


Remembrance Of Things Past

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Challenge Response, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-03
Updated: 1999-05-03
Packaged: 2018-11-10 18:41:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11132535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Ray returns to Chicago to help his family. But when Ray disappears, Ben has to help. This story is a sequel toWash Me Clean.





	Remembrance Of Things Past

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Remembrance Of Things Past  
Hi!   
Thought I'd give you all another dose of eyestrain. The latest is called  
REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST in 5 posts after this. Its approximately  
57 pages by my text reader's page counter. There are 2 Epilogues (SUNDAY  
IN THE PARK WITH... and SNIPS AND SNAILS AND PUPPY DOG'S TAILS at the  
end of this story).

This was written because over a month ago Katrina Bowen asked me if I was considering writing a third part to the BEING THERE and WASH ME CLEAN stories I'd previously posted. I hadn't thought about doing a trilogy until she suggested it. So I'm dedicating this one to her with thanks for being so patient with my finally posting it. (Oh by the way Katrina you may have noticed the title FEAR, SHE'S THE MOTHER OF VIOLENCE has, well, it changed a little bit.) 
    
    
    **Story content overall:
    Male/Male relatively tame
    M/F somewhat graphic
    Some strong language and violence
    Sap, sap, sap.**
    

# REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST

The bed was covered with just about everything he could have pulled out of the closet, the wardrobe and dresser drawers. There were still a few items left behind, but only a few, those belonged to his lover. Some of the displaced items actually managed to find a new home in the suitcase that was lying with its mouth open, hungry for more to fill its cloth-lined belly. He obliged its need every now and again, but sometimes took back a shirt or pants or whatever that he decided shouldn't be there, after he earlier decided that it should. As he turned back to his case with the last item for placement, his toiletry kit from the side-table, he was surprised to see a soggy chewed-up dirty old sock proudly adorning the top of the clean clothes he'd so neatly put in. Annoyed he turned to the culprit who had done the deed. "Yech! Lincoln! That's disgusting!" The eyes that looked up at him were a playful shining light blue, so like his sire Diefenbaker's had once been, and a lolling panting wet tongue approached him ready to strike; deftly Ray managed to stay out of its range. He picked up the offensive offering, pinching it between 2 fingers, barely wanting to touch it, hastily throwing the sock down on the floor near the dog. "I was wondering where that went. Its your's now. Bad dog!" 

Due to his attention being on the dog and the intrusive soggy sock, he didn't notice the approach of his lover behind him until strong muscular arms went around his waist and the warmth of Ben was at his back, holding him in an affectionate embrace. "He's only trying to help you pack Ray. And he did find your missing sock from three weeks ago. Although I suspect he might have had it all along." Sarcastically Ray replied, eyeing the dog with a mock distrust. "Oh yeah, he's a big help alright. Figures you'd have a dog that likes to ruin my clothes as much as you do." 

In the pleasurable captive position encased within his lover's arms, he leaned his head back closing his eyes with a contented sigh, happily trapped until Lincoln saw an opportunity to jump up, front paws on Ray's chest, to lick him on the face. "Hey! Blech! Benny either you're taking kissing lessons from the dog or I've just been Lincolnized." Ben was giggling as Ray squirmed in his arms, turning so that he could deliberately rub dry his slobbered on face back and forth against Ben's white sweat stained tee-shirt. "Benny, you and Lincoln set me up! Two against one! No fair!" Ray's face, which had brushed against his lover, had also let him breathe in the delectable scent of him. The lingering smell of Midsummer's Night cologne, soap and sweat from his chopping wood outside was intoxicating and arousing. Like dirt never sticking to him, somehow Ben always managed to still smell good when working up a sweat like he had, which always turned Ray on - Ben knew this. Ray wanted so badly to tear off that shirt and feel the flesh, over the muscles of that incredible chest, under the palms of his hands. 

He couldn't resist the urge and followed his heart's desire as he pulled the shirt off of his unresisting lover. Caressing fingers became slightly damp where they travelled over sweaty dew, spreading it in random patterns along his lover's chest and shoulders. "Ray do we have time for this? What about your flight?" The fingers were replaced by Ray's mouth, now occupied at his lover's neck and chest, as he mumbled out between licks, kisses and nibbles along his lover's body. "Red'll hold the flight for me. I'm his only passenger. I'll steal one of the planes and fly it myself if I have to. He can wait. I can't." The unchosen clothes and other items, along with the suitcase on the bed, quickly found a new home on the floor, to be replaced by the true owner's of the bed. 

Their passionate need for each other had eventually led them to the shower and they exited from it a little while later refreshed both internally and externally. Ray was dressing rapidly as his lover watched him, with his arms crossed leaning against the threshhold of the bathroom door, still only clad in a towel around his waist. When he saw Ray starting to pick up the discarded clothes on the floor he spoke out. "Leave them. I'll put them away. It'll make me think of you." Ray turned to give him a half-smile as he hefted his suitcase into his hand. Ben's sad eyes followed and seemed to be recording his every move as he said. "I'm really going to miss you." Ray walked over to his lover, who had moved quickly to block the bedroom door, forcing Ray to stop and place the case down. "Not nearly as much as I'll miss you." Ray teased, daring with his playful tone of voice, yet expressive sorrowful eyes, for Ben to top that. He wasn't disappointed. "No I'll miss you more." Ray responded, "Not possible. How'm I gonna be able to sleep without the lulling sound of your snores?" Then quickly followed this with an enthusiastic good-bye kiss that caught the start of his lover's rebuttal, "I don' ...mmmpph', within his mouth. As they kissed he was delighted by the feel of Ray's hands running sensually down his naked back to slide and then rest underneath the towel covering his buttocks. 

When they finally pulled away, Ray lifted the case again and Ben stepped away so he could pass saying. "I love you Ray." Ray tried to smile as he placed a brief kiss on his lover's cheek, avoiding his eyes, not wanting Ben to see how much this parting was really hurting him, he quickly brushed by him out the bedroom door. Ben smiled at the continuance of their game from earlier when he heard Ray call over his shoulder, "Not nearly as much as I love you." Ray always won these games of their's and he happily let him. He wasn't happy though when the words were followed by the front door closing, signalling the departure of the man he loved - his cabinmate for 5 years and soulmate for much longer. 

Ben began picking up some of the scattered items on the floor. He did this so he wouldn't be near the door or the window, not wanting to watch as his lover drove off; that would be too painful. It was bad enough to hear the sound of the Riv starting up, engine humming, then gradually fading away until it no longer marked the presence of his lover nearby. He had told Ray once that he always hated the word 'good-bye', especially in conjunction with watching those he loved leave him, so they had promised never to say it to one another ever again. For that reason, Ben knew that Ray understood why he didn't follow him out the cabin door or want to see him off at the airport. 

Ben was all too familiar with loneliness. It was his only companion for much of his life until he'd found Ray. Knowing now what it was like to not be alone, he could deeply feel the emptiness of the house now that his lover was gone; for how long neither of them knew. He understood why Ray had to leave him, he always understood why those he loved left... his mother - she had died when he was very young, yet he knew she would have stayed if she could; his grandmother - she had left him when he was in his teens, but not without a fight to stay alive longer than most with her fatal disease could hope for; his father - well his father hurt the most of all, because he'd heard him say 'good-bye' to him too many times; each time never really knowing how long he'd be gone or if he'd ever come back - one day he didn't. Ben understood the need for them to leave alright, but it never made any partings easier. Now it was Ray's turn to go and not give him a time when he'd return; Ben worried he may not return. That last part he barely let creep into his thoughts, he hated that possibility too much, therefore he held on strongly to the belief his lover would come back to him. 

He didn't blame Ray for this, because his lover honestly didn't know how long he'd be needed. Ben knew how long he'd need Ray, it would undoubtably be as long as forever and it was his fervent hope that his friend would return to him quickly. Ben wasn't a selfish man, especially now when he knew that Ray was needed desperately by his family; Ray's beloved mother chief among them. Not having had the closeness of a large family, it took a while for Ben to understand how the Vecchio family worked in the beginning of their friendship. He recalled being amazed at the volume of noise and people that house of their's could generate, with his sisters, his brother-in-law, his nieces and nephews, his uncle and mother and constant visitors all under the one roof. Although it seemed like a matriarch ran the Vecchio household, there had actually been a team of herself and Ray holding the family together. She provided the atmosphere of emotional stability - keeping her children and grandchildren in line, feeling loved, healthy and happy; and Ray was the provider of the business end of the stability, the literal 

maintenance of the home, problem resolutions, and financial support. 

During the five years they lived here together, Ray had managed to stay in good contact with his mother via phone. He'd kept tabs on his family through her, lending his advice and opinions - he always had those - on family politics, as well as continuing to provide her with his expertise on their family budget, house maintenance and whatever else he could from thousands of kilometers away. Their telephone bill reflected this every month. 

Ben was happy that Mrs Vecchio had stuck to her promise to visit them here. It was almost 2 years ago that she came and he was still amused by the recollections he had of an overjoyed Ray as her eager and enthusiastic tour guide. Ray had adjusted to life up north better than they'd expected. It had been hard on him at first and there were times he could sense Ray's homesickness, especially those first few months after phone calls with his family. However over the course of time, he'd come to know the Territories very well, having earned his pilot's license in order to run chartered flights and search and rescue operations all over it, from his job at the airport, which was about 45 minutes away from their home. He was also getting pretty good at finding his way around in the wilderness near their home, bravely exploring further and further away, with each lesson from a patient and knowledgeable Fraser on orienteering and basic survival. They had both agreed it was a good idea for him to learn, recalling the unpleasant experience that time they had been stranded together, Fraser seriously hurt then, in the middle of the wilderness so many years ago. Ray had teased him suggestively, that the incentive for him to find his way back to the house was always the special 'reward' he'd get from a very pleased Fraser. Ben made sure he was home to 'reward' him every time after he'd said that. It wasn't hard, especially when he would be relieved to see his lover return to him again and again, after worrying Fraser the whole time he was gone with whether he was well or would require help. But just before he was ready to go find him - the waiting was the worst part - there would come Ray smiling and full of amusing adventurous stories to share with him. 

Their visit with Mrs Vecchio had gone better than a worried Fraser had expected. Although she had had a heart to heart private talk with him about his relationship to her son years earlier, he still wasn't sure of how she would react to them when she actually saw them living here together. He'd put himself on his best behavior then and tried hard not to do anything overt towards Ray that could upset her. But Ray was a different story. He'd been good for the most part too, but he'd always been one to express himself and his affectionate gestures towards Fraser were more open than Ben felt he could return comfortably in front of Mrs. Vecchio. Surprisingly she was very open minded about their relationship, because she knew that her son was the happiest she'd ever seen him throughout his whole life. Anything that could bring him this much happiness couldn't be bad she reasoned. Seeing him in his new home, with his lover, she could see how much mellower, relaxed and unstressed he was than when he was a cop in Chicago without someone to love. She approved of his choice of mate, even if he was of the same sex, since she considered Fraser a good decent man whom she knew loved and cared for her son deeply. 

Just last week Ray had gotten an emergency phone call from his sister Maria in Chicago. Ben knew that Mrs Vecchio was the closest person to Ray besides himself, and when Maria had told him that their mother had been admitted to Cook County Hospital after a serious accident, which caused her to injure her hip and break her leg, Ray was beside himself with worry about his mother. This had been the last of a series of bad news he'd gotten from Chicago recently; he'd been told earlier that Maria and Tony were separating; that Frannie was dating an abusive boyfriend; that his niece had been getting into trouble alot with a bad gang at school; and then there was the letter from Ray's ex-boss Welsh. The letter had been a warning of the possibility of his presence being required to testify, since he was the investigating officer on the scene of a particularly nasty case which was being reopened... the list went on, but these were the main items of his concern. 

Ray who had always felt responsible for and like the head of the Vecchio family since his father had died, couldn't stand idly by and let his family fall apart. He felt he needed to be there with them to set them straight, take care of them and get them back on their feet again, or at least make an honest attempt at it. Then just yesterday the summons for Ray's presence for the upcoming hearing came in the mail. Amazingly all these things added together at the same time were pulling Ray back to his old life in Chicago and away from Fraser. 

Ray had been hesitant at first to broach the subject of going back to Chicago to Ben. When he did, Fraser could see the need and trepidation in his beautiful green eyes, when he'd implored Ben to go with him. Neither of them had returned to Chicago since announcing to Ray's family that they were lovers and Ray would be moving to Canada to be with him. 

Ben remembered everything about the day he'd reclaimed his lover at the precinct, after a six month absence in his life following the rape. When Ray had miraculously taken him back then and was willing to give up everything he had there in Chicago to be with him, Ben couldn't believe he hadn't railed at him - yelled at him - to leave him alone and never come back, as he feared would be the case. After a brief but joyful reunion in the privacy of that cramped records room in the basement of the precinct, Ray had led him to the squadroom, made him sit in the chair by his desk, then with the largest grin he'd ever seen on that face, a happy Ray marched into Welsh's office in seconds. The door was wide open when he heard Ray's emphatic. "Sir, I *quit*. I'll type up a resignation for you. Oh and I'm taking half a day now." Ben had seen Welsh's angry surprised reaction through the office window. "Vecchio!? What's with you? What's this crap about quittin'? Talk to me." Then a startled Welsh caught Fraser's eyes across the room when he'd walked over to close his office door. With a knowing "Oh.", he nodded a greeting to the mountie and closed the door behind Ray for a private talk. 

Fraser had been glad to see Ray still smiling happily when he exited a short time later. In the interim before that, Elaine and Detective Huey had welcomed Fraser back and were chatting amicably with him, asking if he were back for good or just visiting. He'd replied enigmatically. "Just reclaiming something I left behind. Then going home." As Ray approached them Ben asked. "Are you about ready to go?" At Ray's vigorous nod, more bold than he would have thought possible for him, he possessively and affectionately placed his arm around Ray's waist to lead him out of the squadroom. Ray laughed nervously at this open display of their intent and relationship in front of his colleagues - soon to be ex- colleagues. "Benny? I haven't even cleaned out my desk yet... but if you insist." They had left amid the stares and dropped jaws of those he worked with for so many years, who never suspected, yet now knew the true relationship between the cranky cop and the polite mountie. 

Ben could tell Ray was hurt when he said he wouldn't return to Chicago with him. Ray would be left alone to face those who may not understand or approve of their choice of lifestyle, which was no longer a secret to his family and their old friends. He could see the worry in his eyes, since many of the people at Ray's old precinct hadn't been given the opportunity to talk with or voice their opinions to them about it. Now he'd have to face them when he returned to testify. Now he'd have to deal with an angry spiteful Francesca again. Fraser kicked himself for being such a coward that he could let his lover do this on his own, and was amazed all over again with how brave Ray was to go back there, despite all he would have to deal with. 

Fraser's having to deal with superiors about his personal life, specifically his relationship with Ray, had been hard on both of them a few years back. Coming dangerously close to his leaving the service he loved and had taken such pride in. Ray had stood strongly beside him the entire time, lending his advice, support and love at a difficult point in his career. Ben wished he could do the same for Ray and return with him to Chicago, but found he couldn't. 

If it hadn't been for Ray reassuring him throughout his ordeal, in the end he might have quit the service altogether. But he stuck it out and somehow managed to keep his job, because they couldn't find fault with his record, work and abilities. However he still wasn't sure if he should be insulted or not - because afterall it was the truth - when they'd told him basically where he worked was low profile for them anyway; working as he did in the parts of the Northwest Territories where it was underpopulated and less desirable to live he thrived. He'd also been told that he worked best on his own - he'd amended that in his mind to just with Ray, who he managed to finagle into his cases from time to time. He knew there were times Ray missed his life as a cop, so he tried to involve Ray as much as he could in his work. It was funny how their roles had swapped. In Chicago he hungered for police work and was constantly involving himself in Ray's cases. In Canada Ray took on that role and became involved in Ben's cases. They especially liked it when Ray's search and rescue work allowed them to work together automatically. 

There was a difference in Ben's 'precinct' environment from that of Chicago. Ray's old co-workers had come to befriend and accept him for the most part as a fixture in their squadroom. However when he or Ray had to deal with Fraser's co-workers periodically at his post, it could sometimes be uncomfortable when his excellent hearing picked up hushed talking and gossip about himself and Ray. But this was nothing really that new to him, it was new in the sense that now they knew he was gay, but not new to hear them talking behind his back. They'd always done that before, making him feel like some kind of freak for doing whatever it took to do his job and do it right. Ray however wasn't as willing as Fraser to let any overheard comments slide. Depending on his mood, he'd either confront the speaker with a definitive 'wise' sarcastic remark or switch on a totally overblown stereotype of a gay man in front of them; in each scenario this would usually put them in their place, when they'd realize how they pigeonholed them unfairly. Gradually though, over time, many of them had actually come to be friends of Ray and himself; accepting them for who they were on their own merits and even began to accept the validity of their relationship. 

It had been a little over five years now since Ben's rape occurred in Chicago and the thought of going back to the feared city still caused knots in his stomach, his heart to race and sent chills through him especially at Ray's suggestion. It was all he could do to have returned there once already to bring Ray back with him, which had taken a long time for him to actually muster the courage to do. Ray hadn't pushed, which he was thankful for, because his lover understood how painful and frightening of an experience it had been for him... for them both. He was still traumatized by - the rape, Diefenbaker's murder, his near suicide, running away from and hurting Ray, the deep depression he'd somehow managed to survive while alone in that old isolated RCMP post he hid in, guilt at not preventing another victim's death after - only with time and love had he healed as much as he had, but still not completely. To this day, the fear could still grip him, especially when echoes from the past entered his dreams some nights, causing him to wake in a cold sweat, trembling, disoriented and afraid. Only after his lover held and soothed him for a while would he calm down again. Those times were getting fewer and far between, but in the past few days he'd been reliving horrific memories of Chicago again. His recent restlessness and nightmares had added to Ray's current worries, so he tried hard to put on a brave front about it to ease Ray's mind and guilt about leaving him. 

The last of Ray's discarded clothes were lovingly placed in the drawer, waiting for the day their owner would require them again. He couldn't close the dresser drawer right away without first closing his eyes and brushing his hand in a gentle caress along the shirt he'd just placed in there. If he imagined real hard he figured he could just about capture the remembered feel of the chest that would be underneath this shirt, but in frustration he opened his eyes, because it was a pale substitute for the real thing. *He's only been gone a short time and already I'm this way. You're pathetic Fraser. Snap out of it. Find something to occupy your mind.* But everywhere he looked and everything he did, in or near the house, made him think of Ray. So he put on his hiking boots, got together a pack and with Lincoln in tow he decided to leave the cabin, for the couple of days he had off, to camp out beneath the stars. 

He'd laughed resignedly when a plane flew overhead and he realized where he subconsciously ended up camping. He was right near his favorite spot Benton Lake, which had also become a favorite of Ray's, since that first day he took him here. On Ray's days off, weather permitting, Ben often could find him fishing here. 

Ben gave up trying to find places that didn't remind him of his lover. While gazing at the beauty all around, which always soothed him, he began to daydream. The reverie was inspired by his still hearing the faint hum of the plane in the distance. He relived the day when a still newly pilot licensed Ray tried to explain to him about the "Mile High Club". Fraser had teased him by feigning innocence and no knowledge of what he was talking about. His manipulative ploy had worked when Ray made sure he knew what he was referring to, by specially inducting him into the club the next day. The daydream pleasantly continued with him recalling his playfully stealing Ray's sunglasses, the actual 'induction ceremony', and them thanking the person who invented 'autopilot' two times. As he sat dreaming, lazily patting Lincoln resting at his side, the sun set over both the lake and its namesake. 

**************************** 

The first thing Ray noticed, as he entered the customs area of O'Hare International Airport, was the slight feeling of claustrophobia he was experiencing with so many people all around him. *This must have been what Ben felt when he first came here, but magnified by the power of ten.*, sympathesized Ray so long after the fact. This feeling made him realize that he must have grown used to living in the wide open spaces and isolation of the Territories now. It really started to grow on him and although everything here was so familiar, it felt strange and foreign at the same time. 

He smiled to himself, as he waited in line at the customs check-out, when he recalled Ben teasing him for knowing so quickly the local gossip and befriending or knowing of most of their neighbors within a 200 kilometer radius in so short a time there. Ben had laughed that not even he knew as many of them yet. Ray's temporary security job at the airport then had helped with his getting to know the people in the area quickly and eventually led to his desire to learn to fly. His friend and co-worker Red, had taught him everything he knew, and with Red's patience had even got him using the metric system so that it was second nature to him now. Well he had to admit Ben and his mother helped too, when he'd help him convert his mother's recipes or cook books she'd send, which she'd written up or bought in Italian - hence in metrics. He knew she did it on purpose, to help him get used to his new life up north and at the same time remember his heritage. 

When it was his turn at the customs counter he was asked the standard questions as his passport was carefully perused. He almost slipped up when he was asked where he was from. Almost saying 'Here', but stopped himself in time to say instead, "Canada. The Territories. Can't ya tell?" The custom's official gave him a suspicious look, that made Ray regret his sarcastic comment, with an *uh-oh!* uttered inside his head. But when he was asked a few more questions \- one being who he favored to win the Stanley Cup - when he responded "The Chicago Blackhawks of course.", the official had laughed. He'd only been waved through with a "Welcome back Mr. Vecchio.", after he'd given him a brief explanation of the change of his citizenship. 

As he left the room to enter the main portion of the airport, his strange experience at stating he was Canadian versus American had him recalling back on how that had happened. Ben had teased him mercilessly the day he became a Canadian citizen, making him do everything possible that was considered stereotypically Canadian in one day. But he knew all the while how pleased and deeply touched Ben was by his selfless act of love and commitment, which he'd given to his lover as a birthday present. Ray had finagled it so that the date of his citizenship shared the special day which marked Ben's entrance into Canadian citizenship as well. They'd had double celebrations on that day three times already. 

Anxiously looking around the mobbed expanse of the busy airport, he finally spotted his sister Maria at the same time as she saw him. They walked quickly towards each other and within seconds he'd hugged, kissed and lifted his petite sister off her feet, while she laughed delighted at such an exuberant reunion. "You look more beautiful than ever Maria! God I've missed ya." She replied playfully angry. "Yeah, I can tell. You're talkin' nonsense. Put me down already. People are startin' to stare. Thinkin' we're married or somethin'." At her words he played it up and released her quickly as if burned. "Ya really think so? I've already shocked most of Chicago, this oughta put the rest right over the edge." She punched his shoulder lightly as they made their way out to the parking lot. "Same old Ray. I'm glad you're back." 

For the first time she noticed he only had the one suitcase and travel bag. "Hey where's the rest of your stuff? I happen to know from years of livin' with ya, that you're just as bad as Frannie when it comes to packin'." Realizing too late who she just mentioned, she didn't miss the sad dark cloud that passed over his face at the mention of their younger sister, but he recovered well, joking back. "Oh don't worry. These bags are just my beauty aids. The rest of my luggage is being airlifted in." As she laughed with him - he loved hearing her laugh again - he continued speaking after a momentary pause. "Naw. This is it believe it or not. Living with Benny sure has changed me. Travelling lighter just being one thing." 

At the mention of her brother's partner and live-in companion, she asked. "How's Ben? He ok with us stealin' ya away from him?" She got a bittersweet smile in return as he responded. "Yeah, he's fine. He understands. Feels funny his not bein' with me. But its still hard for him to even think of this place, let alone visit. Man, I wish he was here now though. I'm kinda nervous by myself after the bombshell we dropped five years ago. When I spelled Red on the flyin' earlier today, I was so tempted to turn the plane 'round." She gave him a sympathetic supportive smile and a comforting arm went around his back in a partial hug, and his free arm went around her. They soon were at the trunk of the car and she placed a kiss on her brother's cheek and said to him in Italian, "You're a good man Raymondo. I love you.", which is what she'd overheard their mother tell him many times to close their phone calls these past five years. It was moments like these, Ray realized how much his sister Maria was like their mother and he loved her for it, and for being so understanding and supportive of him, also just like her. He laughed and hugged his sister as he said. "Thank- you kindly Maria. I needed that." 

She gave her brother alot of credit for coming back to help them, despite his fear of how other's here would perceive him or treat him now. She was afraid too, because she'd heard what some of their so-called friends and family said about Ray behind his back; some of it had been quite cruel and unfair. If they had truly known her brother they wouldn't have said the garbage she'd heard. But they were ignorant and blind to what she'd seen that tragic time in her brother and his lover's life, when Fraser was viciously raped. She knew how much they'd overcome together, even before then, but that time had been the worst. She was happy her brother and Ben had found a love that held them together through so much and seemed to have grown stronger since she'd last seen them. She could only wish she could find half the love they had for each other. Her marriage to Tony she once thought was true love, but now she knew differently and it certainly couldn't count as that now. Ray had promised to help her through the divorce settlement, he'd been through this before - twice actually, his own and he'd helped Frannie with her's - and he assured her that her kids would be provided for no matter what. People could say what they will about her brother, but she knew how loyal and caring he could be, buried underneath all that talk and sarcasm he showed the rest of the world. 

********************************** 

The first thing Ray wanted to do, when he entered the door of the home he'd known for much of his life, was run immediately upstairs to his mother. However, that was delayed slightly by the rest of the family impeding that desire, as they noisily welcomed him back with questions and small talk. He'd finally excused himself with a "Its great to see ya all... well except for maybe you...", he'd grinned and pointed to one of his nephews he'd always teased before, then continued, "... I need to see ma, before she decides to walk down here herself. I wouldn't put it past her to try." At the mention of their matriarch, he was given immediate passage to the stairs and he quickly started his ascent. 

His heart was beating rapidly with the anxiety of seeing his mother again and the worry he'd had for her ever since he'd found out she'd been hurt. Even when he finally got to talk with her on the phone the day after the incident, it still didn't fully ease his mind. Now he would see for himself how she was, and it frightened him to realize how vulnerable she could be to accidents or illness and that she was indeed mortal. He tapped lightly at her slightly opened bedroom door, trying hard to be patient while he waited for her permission to enter. Her room was sacred to him and would never be entered by him without her allowing it. "Raymondo, figlio mio, is that you? Get in here already." 

He tried hard to put on a strong front for her at seeing her incapacitated like this. "Ma if you wanted a coupla days off from waiting on everyone hand and foot, ya shoulda told me. I woulda sent ya on a cruise or somethin'. I don't like the plan ya came up with instead." Lying amid pillows with her cast leg and hip causing her to barely be able to move she pretended offense. "Ach, is that the way I taught ya to speak to your mother? What? No - 'Ciao mama! Te amo mama!'? No kiss?" She was pointing to her cheek at the last part, but the finger wasn't there long as he swiftly did as she commanded. Softly saying afterwards. "Ciao mama! Te amo mama. I've missed ya ma. See I even added one all by myself." 

She wrapped her arms around him in an almost deadly affectionate embrace, while the whole time he worried about trying to avoid hurting her, as she pulled him dangerously close to her injured side. "Oh Raymondo you're just bones now. Doesn't that Benton of your's make sure you eat? I told him what would happen if I found out you weren't eating." He whined out. "Maaa. He's just as bad as you about naggin' me. But I'll confess I eat more now since I took over most of the cookin', instead of lettin' him make that campfire food he thinks is a meal. Speakin' of Benny, this is from him." At that last he kissed and hugged her again, trying to impersonate his friend. "So surry you aren't feeling well Mrs. Vecchio. Yes I do make sure your son is eating and brushes after every meal." She laughed at the comical way her son spoke. "For a second I almost thought he was here. I wish he could have come too. But I'm glad you came at least. Its been too long since I've seen you caro mio." Ray grew serious now. "I'm here for as long as you need me ma. You name it and its done. You just get better ok? That's your job from now on. Got it?" She smiled lovingly at her son. "I'm glad you're here. I feel much better already." 

*************************************** 

It felt strange to push open the squadroom door of South Water Market's 27th precinct, Area 7 again. He'd done it so many times before and took it for granted, but today was different, today marked his return here after a 5 year absence. There was a pang of something inside him, which he wanted to deny, making him realize he missed the feeling of being a detective here. Looking around the room, not too much had changed, the walls still looked drab, the phones still seemed to be always ringing. One of the main differences now was that each desk had its own computer terminal. He looked over to his old desk and nodded a hello to the stranger who had taken his place. There weren't too many faces he recognized in here, but he saw Detective Huey and Elaine Bresbis' nameplates at their empty desks making him smile to see that at least two of his old friends were still here. 

As he headed towards Welsh's office, he heard a soft voice at his back. "Now here's a familiar sight. Detective Vecchio having to go to the principal's... ahh Welsh's office... again. If I didn't know better, I'd think Vecchio finally decided to show up for work again." He grinned from ear to ear as he turned to face Elaine. She was even prettier than he remembered with that teasing smile, as she pulled him into a welcoming hug. He noticed when he hugged her that she was pregnant and looking at her hand he saw a wedding ring there. "Welcome back Ray. The precinct hasn't been the same without you... or Fraser. We're actually getting our own work done now." He laughed at her teasing. "Thanks Elaine. Its great to see ya. And by the way could ya look somethin' up for me?" That last part was just a joke and it had the effect he wanted, then he let her off the hook. He was relieved at her reaction to him now. 

He'd just left that day he quit and never looked back, never even cleaned out his desk; Welsh had done it for him and dropped it off at the house. There hadn't been anything in there that mattered to him any more in it though. At the time the only thing that mattered to him was that his lover had come back for him and wanted him to leave with him. Having been miserable those six months without Ben, he didn't even think twice about leaving his old life behind, because of the promise of a new and better life with his lover. 

He had left so abruptly that he wasn't sure how people here would react to him now. Wondering who were still friends; who would be cold or hostile towards him. The other fear he'd had when entering here was that he'd known how Elaine had felt about the mountie, knew how all the women in the precinct felt about Ben, so coming back here now he was afraid he'd get the same treatment Frannie had given him from all of them. Thankfully he'd run a good portion of the gauntlet now and went relatively unscathed so far. He was immeasurably pleased that Elaine was as nice and understanding as he remembered. They small talked for a couple of minutes, he congratulated her on her marriage and impending motherhood, as they quickly caught up with one another. She told him her husband Huey was out on assignment at the moment, and would probably be upset he missed Ray's visit. This had gotten a surprised look then a huge grin from Ray, who then gave her a couple of messages to pass on to Huey. 

Welsh, when he noticed Ray, had been signalling for him to come into his office, so he left Elaine to go where he was beckoned. Ray was mumbling amazedly under his breath "Elaine Huey? No wonder she kept her maiden name." He entered the all too familiar office, which in five years still looked about the same. "Hello Ray. Thanks for coming. Someone from the States Attorney's office will be here in a minute. Have a seat." At the worried look that went across Ray's face, Welsh knew what he was thinking. "Relax, I don't think it'll be Louise." As he was speaking his phone rang. "Welsh, 27th precinct. Hello sweetheart. Yeah I won't forget to pick up diapers on the way home. Don't worry..." At the overheard snippets of the one-sided conversation, Ray was surprised at what he heard and then noticed what looked like family photos on Welsh's desk. Ray smiled broadly recognizing the woman who was tucked under Welsh's arm holding a baby girl. So it wasn't Sherry he got afterall, but a persistent Esther Pierson, the coroner. He always thought the two of them made a good couple and was glad to see Welsh thought so too. 

While Welsh continued to talk with his wife on the phone, Ray's mind wandered to a time a few years ago when he and Huey had made their peace for good over Gardino's death. It had also been the first time since his and Fraser's coming out into the open about their relationship that they'd seen Huey. They'd met up with each other almost 5 years earlier in Washington, DC. Ray's thoughts went back to that time... 

Before Ray had left for Canada, he, Huey and Welsh had been staunch advocates of getting Louis Gardino's name placed on the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial in the nation's capitol. They'd had a long hard time of it, due to the fact that some paper pushing beauracrats felt he didn't belong on the marble wall since the death occurred off-time. The three of them petitioned everyone imaginable and argued persuasively that a cop is always a target whether on or off-duty and Gardino had been killed because of the line of work he was in. 

He'd been in Canada less than a year when he received a letter in the mail informing him Gardino's name would finally be added to the memorial within a month's time at a memorial ceremony. He didn't think twice about going and Fraser insisted on accompanying him. Ben had also considered Gardino a friend and still felt somewhat responsible for not preventing his death. 

They had made a whole trip of it, intending to do all the touristy things there as well. Fraser was excited about seeing the United States capitol and center of government, so much so that he read up on all he could on the city and its outlying areas of Virginia and Maryland. The man was a human sponge when it came to absorbing knowledge and was like travelling with an audio version of a AAA/CAA Tour Book. But despite the irritating spewing of facts - from historical minutiae to quoting population statistics constantly - they'd actually had an enjoyable time there and Ray surprisingly realized he'd learned quite a bit about his native country in the process. 

Ray laughed to himself recalling how Fraser ended up with a gang of school kids, and their chaperones, trailing after him in the Smithsonian's AIR  & SPACE museum, thinking he was their tour guide. Ray had his revenge for having to endure the endless details he'd already heard since before they even got to Washington. He decided to help perpetuate this lie by pretending Fraser was a tour guide, as he teasingly went to the back of the group, calling out the most inane questions and comments related to objects he'd point at nearby, in order to make the kids think they were right when Fraser felt compelled to answer or correct him pedantically. Fraser ended up resignedly sighing and taking on the role as he led them all through the museum, who's floor maps and brochures he'd memorized ahead of time, shooting over glares every now and again at a *who me?* grinning Ray. But he knew his lover wasn't really angry and after a short time Fraser seemed to enjoy finally having a captive audience for all the pent up encyclopedic knowledge in that beautiful head. 

After that when Ben started to get that school teacher look in his eyes and his mouth began with a "Ray did you know...", Ray had threatened playfully to do the same thing in the Smithsonian's Natural History museum too, if Fraser didn't stop going overboard with the facts. Ray had pointed to a group of even younger children than the group they'd had before. "Do ya want a repeat of AIR & SPACE? Why bother coming here if you already know everything about it? Where's the fun and adventure in that? Just enjoy yourself Benny... let it happen. No one's gonna quiz ya. Believe it or not, some things were meant to be learned and experienced without the aid of a book... visiting here with you is one of those things. Ok?" Fraser's eyes had stared into his own the whole time, then he said without missing a beat from before "... about the fossils here? They're absolutely fascinating, I'll tell you all about them. And then there's the geology exhibit upstairs which is quite impressive..." Ray threw up his hands in defeat and uttered an "Ugh! I give up. Someone shoot me now, stuff me and stick me in that display case over there." Fraser smiled at his lover and winked. "Don't worry Ray, I got the message. I'll curb the pedantics from now on." 

The following day they'd gone to the short memorial ceremony at the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial. He'd seen Welsh and Huey standing together on the other side from them. Ray stood apart with Fraser, who was resplendent and sticking out as usual in his formal red uniform amid all the police blues and civilians. Ray had been one of the civilians then and that had felt strange and saddened him. Not being able to stand there in his old uniform to show his respect hurt; made him fully realize he didn't belong to that brotherhood any more, except in his heart. He was overcome with deep emotions and painful memories, tears threatening to fall. He almost didn't make it through the ceremony, wanting to go before it finished. Ben noticed his sadness and distress, casually comfortingly touching him to let him know he was there and understood. 

At one point Ray had been looking down and when he'd lifted his eyes he saw there were two others at his side. Welsh and Huey had come over to him during the ceremony, not needing to say any words, they lent him their support just by standing there with him. 

Afterwards they went to a bar nearby, to reminisce about and toast their fallen comrade over a couple of drinks. Welsh had turned out to be a good friend to Ray and Fraser, even more so now that they were open about their relationship. This had come about the day Ray had quit. When Welsh had closed the door for a private talk, Ray was surprised at the understanding he'd gotten from his superior officer for his situation. Welsh had confided to him that he'd had a younger brother that committed suicide when they were both teenagers at a military academy. His brother had been very confused about his sexuality back then. Compounded by the pressures of the strict miltary environment he was in and the time they grew up in not being at all tolerant of homosexuality, he'd taken his life and Welsh had discovered the body and note. He'd offered Ray his support, understanding and friendship then, for which Ray felt forever grateful. 

Ray had been surprised at Huey's casual acceptance of his and Fraser's relationship. He figured to have gotten alot of snide wise-ass remarks about it from him. He kept waiting for 'the other shoe to drop', so to speak, the whole time they were in that bar. It was after a few drinks that Huey swore them all to secrecy. He confessed to them that nothing surprised him any more, not even Ben and Ray's relationship, since he'd caught Gardino cross-dressing one day. Gardino hadn't been gay, he was just a transvestite, who enjoyed wearing women's clothing, especially their shoes. Welsh groaned at that, shaking his head. "Oh brother what kind of precinct am I running? Next thing I know I'll be finding out Elaine was once a man and Esther's into necrophilia." Ray teased. "Who told? Wasn't me." 

The rest of the trip had gone very well after that and Ray felt as if part of a heavy burden had been taken from him, not just through the comaraderie of old friends accepting him for who he was; but for being there and helping bring about Gardino's recognition and memorial. On their last day Fraser had mentioned that he'd like to take Ray to Ottawa, Ontario some time to reciprocate. He wanted Ray to see the Parliament Building which was in Canada's governing city, at which they could observe the changing of the guard and he especially wanted to show him around the RCMP post there. Last year on Ben's birthday and Ray's anniversary of Canadian citizenship they finally managed to go. 

While Welsh continued to speak about domestic things with his wife, there was a quick tap on the glass of the office door behind Ray, breaking him out of his reverie. When he looked over to the person rapping there his heart skipped a beat. Louise was the one to come down afterall, dragging an assistant behind her. She barely acknowledged he was even in the room. Just gave a brief look down her nose over at him saying. "Vecchio." "Hello Louise." She gave him a cold look. "Ms St Laurent to you." *Understood.* he mentally told himself. Ray corrected his earlier statement. "Excuse me. Hello Ms St Laurent." She didn't respond, just proceeded to ignore him until Welsh got off the phone. She was definitely angry with him, rightfully so, he thought to himself, and it was going to make this meeting that much harder. Welsh remarked. "Did someone turn on the air conditioning? It seems to have gotten *colder* in here. Maybe we should take this to one of the meeting rooms?" They went to a private room and discussed the impending case of which Ray was going to be a key witness for the prosecution. After answering questions and asking some of his own, he was allowed to leave after an hour of straight business talk, nothing personal. 

It had felt as if he were in a room with strangers, rather than with two people that had once had such a profound impact on his day to day life. Not so much Welsh, but Louise acted as if she didn't even know him, hadn't ever been intimate with him. She treated him as if she didn't care whether he lived or breathed. He was just an object to be used by her to prove her case nothing more. He was glad when they were through and Welsh excused himself, saying his goodbye to Ray as he left. Louise turned to follow her assistant out of the room, but Ray touched her arm to make her turn back to him. "Louise. Sorry. I meant Ms St Laurent." He wanted to talk with her. He didn't want it to end this way. 

She gave him a no nonsense look as she glared straight into his eyes, then made him follow the movement of her irritated eyes to look at his hand on her arm. He immediately removed it, getting the message loud and clear. "Unless it has something to do with this case Mr Vecchio, we have nothing more to say to one another." *Ouch.* he thought to himself, she knew how to stab him with her words. He shook his head sadly. "Yeah it has somethin' to do with this case. It has to do with you and me workin' together again. I know I owe you an explanation." She tried to keep her controlled angry voice low for just him to hear, as she forced him back into the private empty room, slamming the door shut behind them. "You want to talk? We'll talk. Like what the hell did you think you were doing? Was I some kind of game with you? You pursued me for months, with your flirtatious comments and platitudes. Oh I tried hard to ignore the attraction I had for you at first. But you just wouldn't leave me alone. I should have known better than to get involved with you. I almost didn't. I was so stupid. I don't let alot of people close to me. Why'd you do this to me Ray? Why? When I confronted you about why you were pulling away your affection and attention to me and you told me there was someone else, I almost lost it. Then to find out that my lover dumped me for a man. Now that hurts Ray. I've been dealing with the jokes and the cracks about it ever since. I'm starting to believe what some of my co-workers say. What did I do? Turn you off of women for good? What was wrong with me?" Her eyes were watery, tears threatening to spill, but she bravely held them back. 

Ray swallowed and his eyes watched her compassionately throughout her angry words. "Oh Louise. It wasn't anything you did. I did and still do care for you. Benny still gets jealous whenever your name is mentioned. He hates that I'm here with ya now. He knows that I think you're sexy. When I saw ya today in Welsh's office, believe me when I tell ya, ya still turn me on. I think you're a knockout. But I don't love ya like I love Benny. I didn't think I could ever feel this way about a man. I'd never been attracted to one until him. I hadn't realized for a long time that my feelings for him weren't just those of close friends until you and I had already been datin'. Remember the catholic girl's school case we were on? He'd hinted to me that there was more to his feelings for me. I pursued the hints until he was forced to confess his true feelings for me. That's when I knew he was the one I loved and wanted to be with. I know I hurt ya. I'm sorry. But I love him. More now than ever." She was shaking her head in denial. "It still hurts Ray. Don't think this stops it. When we leave this room, we're going back to business formality. Then we go our separate ways after this case and I *never* *ever* want to see you again." At this last she turned to open the door and with a dignified posture and air about her, she marched purposely out and away from him, before he could say another word. 

*************************************** 

From his bedroom window he could see the petite figure of a woman getting out of a car and heading towards the house, but as she neared the walkway she suddenly turned and in obvious distress hurried back to the car. From his vantage point he realized with a start that it was Francesca. She was wearing sunglasses, which weren't necessary since the dark of the night was approaching fast. When it looked to him like she was crying, he was immediately out of his room and down the stairs in seconds. But not soon enough to get outside and stop her from getting in the car. He called out to her "Frannie wait!" He knew she saw him approaching her car and for a second he almost thought she would stay and talk with him, but then she turned her head pretending not to see him as she drove off. He ran over to Maria's car, reaching under the frame for the small magnetic holder where he knew she hid a spare key, so that he was soon following after Francesca. 

Maria had told him a while back where Frannie was living with her boyfriend, but it never really registered until now, how close she actually lived to Fraser's old neighborhood on W. Racine Avenue. He had thought and wished to never see this part of Chicago again, but that's where Francesca was leading him. This almost made him turn around, not wanting to stir up long pent up memories. He began to berate himself with, *She's just gonna yell at ya. Make ya feel like crap again. Why bother? Run away Vecchio.* But he wasn't one to run away from someone he cared about in trouble or need. The worst part of Frannie's anger and hateful behavior towards him in the past five years, wasn't the things she'd said and done to him, but that his feelings of love for her hadn't diminished. Before she'd disowned him when he told her about his and Fraser's relationship, they'd always been like oil and vinegar not quite coming together on things until it was necessary. Since they were kids, they'd constantly bickered and drove each other crazy; but just like oil and vinegar they could be good together too. 

Somehow he managed to talk himself into continuing his pursuit of Frannie. This area held some pretty bad memories for him, although to be honest, before the rape, there were quite a few good memories attached here as well. But that good was only there because of Benny's presence amid all the bad; he wasn't here any more and to Ray that was the only good thing about the place now. To help ease the pain of being here again, he tried hard not to look as he passed by the old apartment complex, where he and Ben had first consummated their love for each other. His stomach roiled shortly thereafter when he passed the alleyway where his lover had suffered, still carrying the traumatic scars within him to this day. Another minute after that and Frannie turned down just one of so many similar looking seedy side streets off this avenue. 

She pulled up along the curb within a short walk to the front of what he thought must be her apartment complex. He pulled up right behind her, rapidly getting out of the car to catch her as she walked the distance to get to the front stoop. She hadn't gotten far when he touched her arm from behind to get her to stop and acknowledge he was there. "Frannie please. Stop." She paused slightly like she wanted to, then tried to walk further, then turned viciously to face him. "Leave me the hell alone!" Ray responded. "Can't. Like it or not, you're my sister. I still care what happens to you Frannie. Probably always will." She still wore the dark glasses and he could see the signs of a nasty bruise forming at the side of her beautiful face. He reached to remove the glasses, fearing and knowing from experience with domestic abuse cases what he'd see. Somewhat successful in his attempt, he sadly saw a little of the black eye she had as he compassionately said. "Oh Frannie." She slapped his hand away, quickly pushing the glasses firmly back in place to cover her eyes again, but now he saw a tear escaping from under her dark shield. "Don't ever touch me! You never really cared about me. No one does." The last was just barely a whisper. "That's not true. Ma, Maria and me, we care Frannie. We really do. We're all worried about ya. Ya sell yourself too cheap Frannie. You don't realize you're worth a whole hell of alot more than this guy you're datin'. There's alot better guys out there that would give there right arm to be loved by you." She rounded on him fiercely. "What would ya know about it? I'm over 30 years old now Ray and I think I can safely say - all the good men are taken now. You've seen to that. Ya took the last one!" 

That old wound between them was opened, bloody and raw again; as she painfully reminded him of the reason for her anger and hatred towards him. His expressive eyes tried so hard to plead with her, that his love for Ben wasn't designed as a plot to hurt her. He felt empathy for her, because he knew what it was like to love Ben, yet unlike Francesca he was blessed by the love being returned. If there were no hope of Ben ever loving him back he knew he'd be as unhappy about it as Frannie was. "I'm so sorry Frannie. I didn't fall in love with him to hurt ya. You've gotta believe me." 

She just muttered. "All these years I worried about Maria stealing a guy from me and all along it should have been you I worried about. You disgust me!" She turned away again, yanking her arm out of the gentle grip he tried to use to make her stay. As she swung around and walked just a step or two, she was startled as she walked unseeing into a wall of a man. "So here ya are bitch. With another man already ya whore. What? Ya done fuckin' him already and come crawlin' back have ya?" Frannie cringed at every word and shrunk back as if in fear of a blow. An angered Ray definitely did not like the way this man, who he realized must be the boyfriend his family hated, spoke to and man- handled his sister. Ray was there instantly, smelling the lingering aroma of the alcohol this guy had consumed, as he yelled out. "Hey! Leave her alone ya bastard! She's not your punchin' bag." 

She tried to warn him off. "Ray, just go already. You're makin' things worse!" The boyfriend mocked Ray. "Yeah Ray, ya heard her, she don't want to play with ya no more. Hey, this your fag brother Frannie? He sure looks it. He ain't so tou..." The last word 'tough', never left his mouth, but a loose tooth did when Ray slugged him so hard it got knocked out. Frannie was hovering nearby terrified of the fight that ensued. Those few people out on the street avoided the scene, not wanting to get involved; not wanting to see anything that could make them a witness as they hurried past. 

At one point in their fight Ray called out to Francesca. "Go home Frannie. Go now!!!" She was openly crying and called out when she saw Ray had the advantage for the moment. "Ray stop it, you're hurtin' him." The shock of her words caused his concentration on his task to slip and now he was at a disadvantage. Her suppressed rational self reared its head at the stupidity of what she just said, and wanted to try to make up for what she'd done by throwing over a metal bar she'd found to her brother. It actually went to her abusive lover instead, who smiled maliciously over at her saying. "Thanks babe." as he smashed Ray's head with it. 

She was frightened by the viciousness of the attack, the blood, the error she'd made and her brother weakly calling over to her again. "GO, Go, go..." the last 'go' faded out as he did, collapsing unmoving on the pavement. Her boyfriend hit him again with the pipe as if to make sure he wouldn't get up again. 

She ran then thinking Ray was dead and she was next. Fumbling with the key in the lock of her car, then getting inside, she tried to start it up with trembling hands. Her abusive boyfriend angrily approaching her just made her panic more, but somehow she got the car moving and peeled out of the neighborhood, not really knowing where to go. As the tears flowed she chanted a litany in her head. *He's dead Frannie. Dead. Oh god, he's dead. I helped kill him. My fault. My fault.* He'd commanded her to go home, but she felt like she could never go home again after what she'd done. It would kill their mother to find out that she had helped murder her 'favorite' child. In the past couple of years, to feed the fuel whenever her hate for her brother started to diminish in the slightest, Frannie had begun to consider Ray to be their mother's favorite; also blaming him for everything and anything that went bad in her life - not looking to herself for causing her own unhappiness - needing a scapegoat *Ray* was it. But she never wanted him dead. Never once had she really wanted him dead. Now she couldn't even go back to her apartment to get any of her things. There was nothing left for her; there was nowhere for her to go; she kept drivin' anyway; destination anywhere... anywhere but this hell she was now in. 

*************************** 

The phone rang out in the quiet of the Vecchio household. Everyone had gone to bed, but Mrs Vecchio couldn't sleep in her discomfort and worry for her absent son. He had mentioned to her earlier that he was expecting another scheduled call from Ben at 10 PM that night. Normally Ray would be there ready to pick it up at the first ring, but this time the phone had rung three times before Mrs Vecchio picked up the receiver. "Hello Benton." she said into the phone knowing from the clock by her bed that it had to be him. The puzzled yet polite voice on the other end seemed sincerely apologetic. "Hello Mrs Vecchio. Please forgive me for disturbing you. My error. I had thought this was the time Ray asked that I call. Tell him I'll try again tomorrow at this same time. I wish you well. Good ni..." But she cut him off "Benton, you're right about the time. He was supposed to be here." He could hear it in her voice, just the slightest tremor of fear and worry, which helped to bring out the same feelings within himself. "Mrs Vecchio what's wrong? He's alright isn't he? Where is he?" The questions were fired off uncharacteristically fast for him. "No one's seen him since early this evening. Maria saw him last going to his room before dinner." 

Anxiety was building within him as she continued. "I'm worried. He left hours ago. He was excited about your calling today. I know he wouldn't have missed talking with you on purpose." Fraser the mountie took over from Ben the worried lover and asked a series of questions to trace the events of the day to locate Ray. His final question was "Was he upset about anything before then?" She was hesitant in her response, knowing that he'd had a rough day visiting the precinct again, but what she was afraid of was what he'd learned while there. "Mrs Vecchio, please tell me. I need to know." She relented, but found it a difficult subject to discuss with the last person she wanted to upset with the news she was about to share. "Well, he had a difficult time of it at the precinct this morning and then... well... he found out something today that concerns you... One of the men who hurt you... he was killed in a prison riot a couple of months ago, and the other... he's out of prison now. He was extremely angry about it." 

Ben's blood froze, yet his heart raced and he was finding it more and more difficult to breathe all of a sudden. She could hear his awkward breathing and through his silence the fear and worry her words had caused. "I'm sorry Benton. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything." While they talked on the phone a groggy Maria came to her mother's bedroom door. "Ma, I heard ya talkin', did you need anything?" Then she noticed the phone at her mother's ear. "Is that Benton?" Mrs Vecchio nodded over to her as she listened intently to the voice on the other end telling her. "Thank- you for telling me." She responded to reassure him more than herself. "I'm sure he wouldn't have done anything rash. He's probably lost track of time is all, maybe the car broke down?" Ben knew the Vecchio's kept a gun in the house, even though Ray no longer lived there. "Mrs Vecchio I don't want to alarm you, but is the gun still locked up?" She was a bit alarmed at the suggestion and asked her daughter to check. Maria came back quickly shaking her head worriedly. "I unlocked the drawer. No gun in there." Her mother relayed the information to Fraser. 

The taste of bile was at his throat and he was beginning to shake, as he vaguely recalled what Ray had once promised him; afraid Ray had gone to hunt the rapist to kill or be killed by him. He tried to remain in control as he voiced what he'd never thought he'd do again. "I'm going to catch a flight into Chicago as soon as I can. Hopefully I can be there no later than tomorrow afternoon." He knew Ray's friend Red would help him if he asked. He'd let him know it was an emergency concerning Ray was the reason for rousting him out of bed. Ben figured Red would fly him as far as he could go before he'd have to take a commercial airline. After saying their good-byes, Fraser then got busy calling for flight times to O'Hare, rapidly working out a Plan A, B and C flight plan in his head that would get him to the dreaded city to find his lover. He hoped before Ray got himself in big trouble or seriously hurt. 

******************************** 

He was exhausted, but couldn't sleep on a plane, hadn't been able to since the time he and Ray had been in that plane crash so many years ago. Red had been good about being rousted out of bed and was quick to get dressed and ready to fly him where he needed, when he told him that Ray was in trouble. Red was a cantankerous old man, close to his seventies, who had taken a liking to, 'adopted' and treated Ray as if he were his son. When he heard only part of the trouble Ben had imparted to him - he didn't mention his rape not wanting to go into the horrific details - Red even offered to go with him to search for Ray, but Fraser politely and diplomatically turned the offer down. He switched over to a commercial airline after a number of hours flying in that small private plane. 

Disembarking from the commercial airplane into the crowded bustle of Chicago's O'Hare International airport again made him feel some of the same things he did the very first time he'd come here. He'd been so naive then, he knew so much more now, yet others would probably still think he was naive to the ways of the urban world he found himself in again. He felt a sense of urgency as he went first to customs, not having to go through baggage claim, he always travelled light, with just his pack as carry-on luggage this time. Hailing a cab, this time he wasn't polite about letting others go ahead of him. He quickly entered the first available one and put the airport behind him. He didn't want to look through the window at the all too familiar skyline of Chicago looming closer and closer, as the cab took the equally familiar route to the Vecchio home on North Octavia Avenue. 

******************************** 

He entered Mrs Vecchio's bedroom at her invitation. "Hello Benton." "Hello Mrs Vecchio." It must not have been close enough, although he thought it was a polite respectable distance. "Don't stand way over there, please come closer. I won't bite you. Come here." She reached out a hand to him, which he hesitatingly took in his own. He underestimated her strength as she pulled him towards her. "I'd think by now you should realize we're family Benton, you can give me a hug ya know. Its expected and mandatory from now on." At that he smiled at her warm acceptance and affection for him. He was pulled into an embrace which left him feeling sincerely cared for and loved, and he was beginning to truly understand why his lover would do anything for this woman. 

"Thank you Mrs Vecchio." She placed a gentle brief kiss on his cheek. "Don't worry caro. Our Raymondo always comes back. He's just lost his way for a little while." Fraser tried to reassure her as well. "I'll find him and bring him home again." She smiled at him with such faith in his words. "Yes, I know you will. Let me know what I or the family can do to help and its done." Fraser was reminded once again how close this family was and that she wasn't kidding when she offered their full support, he felt confidant that he could and would get it. "I'll let you know. Can you tell me anything more that might help me find him? Maria and her children already told me what they remembered." She looked sadly over at him. "I'm sorry Benton, there is nothing more than what I already told you on the phone." He turned to leave her. "I'll report in periodically. I'm going to start now." She nodded her head. "Buona fortuna Benton." 

******************************** 

Frannie still didn't know where to go or who to turn to. She'd already spent a couple of miserable nights in a fleabag motel, trying to sleep, but not being successful. Each time she'd close her eyes she'd see the ghost of her brother haunting her. His voice and eyes always asking. *Why Frannie? Why?* Her dream was making her relive the fight she'd recently had with Maria, just before Ray returned. Maria had wanted her and Ray to reconcile, imploring Francesca to understand Ray wasn't the bad guy in all this... 

"Maria didn't it bother you that he'd been lying to us for years about what he is? Doesn't it bother you to know he's bi-sexual? That people are making nasty snide comments, gossiping about us now? What hurts most is he knew I loved Benton and still he stole him from me. He'd always tell me to back off in my pursuit of Ben. I thought it was because he felt I was coming on too strong, scaring Ben off. But all along he was doing it so he could clear the way for himself." She laughed mirthlessly. "I should have come on stronger, maybe it would be me with Ben now instead of Ray." Maria just shook her head sadly. "Oh Frannie. I'm so sick of your self-centered crap. Give it up. I've been hearing you're moaning over this for 5 years now. Did ya really love Ben that much Frannie? Or did ya just lust after him, like all the rest?" 

Francesca's eyes turned into angry slits as she glowered at her sister. "He was everything I wanted in a man." Maria repeated her remark from before. "But did you *really* love him Frannie? I'm gonna tell ya a little story and you're gonna listen to the whole thing. Sit down." Frannie didn't like being ordered around by her older sister. Normally she considered Maria to be more than just her sister, she thought of her as her closest friend and confidante. But today Maria was treading too close on dangerous ground, especially where her feelings for Ray and Fraser were concerned. 

Her curiosity at what Maria would tell her though, had her sitting on the bed as she was commanded after a brief hesitation. "Good. There were these two friends. Most people would think they were vastly different and that they couldn't possibly be friends. But they proved them wrong when their friendship just grew stronger. They'd faced life and death situations on a regular basis, but each time they'd survive because they were together - a team. When the one shot the other accidentally everyone thought, *Ok that's the end of their friendship.* But amazingly they overcame it. One day they realized that there was more. They loved each other. Believing those around them wouldn't understand, they kept it hidden. Then tragedy struck, when one was viciously raped and found by the other." Frannie looked disinterested and as if she weren't really paying attention. 

Maria noticed. "Frannie you don't know what love is until you've seen how devastated our brother was when Ben was raped then left him. You were so busy in your own world, did you even realize what they were going through?" Frannie grew angry again. "What about what I was going through?" Maria continued undaunted. "Ma and I thought we were gonna 'lose' Ray when Ben left. He'd gotten so bitter, depressed and more cranky than ever." 

Frannie interrupted. "Nothing new. He was always like that." Maria was getting frustrated, but went on. "We'd kind of suspected there might have been more to their friendship than what they showed outwardly. Ma and I made a pact to keep track of him and his activities. I found him in the basement once sobbing as if his heart had shattered into a million pieces. I've only seen him cry once before and that was when Irene died. I was terrified when I saw his gun on the workbench within his reach. I was afraid of what he might have been contemplating. When I went over to console him, he'd tried to cover what was really wrong by telling me, that he'd just come downstairs to clean his gun and that he'd be alright, he'd just had an especially bad day at work." 

Frannie was looking at her fingernails pretending not to listen. "I found out much later, that day would have been their one year anniversary. So don't tell me that Ray fell in love with Ben in order to hurt you. That's not true and you need to grow up Frannie, if you believe it." Francesca was steaming by the end of this *story* and abruptly got up from the bed, angrily calling out as she left the room and the house. "Ya don't understand. None of ya ever understand me. Keep your precious Ray. I want nothing to do with him or any of ya." and she stormed out of the house, intending never to return. 

Francesca woke up with a start and tears wetting her cheeks, when the dream had her finally realizing what her sister had been trying to tell her. She was starting to see how blind her anger and hate had made her. All she wanted now was for her brother to be alive again, so she could tell him she didn't hate him any more. At last she was beginning to understand. She made a decision then, that in order to free herself from some of her misery and appease her brother's ghost, she'd have to tell her family what happened. She would face up to her part in this whole grizzly mess tomorrow. 

The time came and she cleaned herself up a bit and drove over to her family's home with a purpose. She'd talk with Maria first, then they could break the news to their mother. 

She was at the door ready to knock when she heard footsteps on the stairs behind her. "Hello Mar... Francesca?" Her heart stopped beating for a second. She couldn't turn to face him. He was the last person in the world she wanted to face right now. Her thoughts were spinning in her head. *He's in Canada? He'd never come back here?* But when she got the nerve to turn, she found it was *him*. Ben was still as strikingly handsome as she remembered. His hair had very faint streaks of gray now, but on him it looked sexy and distinguished. There were a few more laugh lines around his eyes, but other than that the five years that had passed had been very kind to him. 

She weakly came out with a "Hello Benton. I should be going." She was ready to flee again. This was not how her plan was supposed to go. "Please stay. Your family needs you Francesca." That startled her and made her laugh sarcastically. "Yeah right." He forced her to look into his sad eyes. "Yes they do. All of them." She choked out a response. "Not when they hear what I've done. You're here because Ray's dead, right?" At that Ben's face registered shock and fear at her words. He took a step back from her as if she had struck him and then a deep calming breath, followed by a rush of questions. "Francesca what are you talking about? What happened? He's dead?" She cast her eyes down, not wanting to look into those desperate blue eyes, as she whispered out. "He's dead. I saw him die. Its my fault." He felt sick to his stomach and lightheaded. She had to be lying, he thought. She hated Ray and himself enough he believed that to get back at them this had to be a cruel lie. He grabbed her by the arms and shook her. "Cut it out Francesca. Stop lying. Don't do this to me." She was crying as he shook her and she blurted out the rest of the story. "I'm not lying! He came to me two days ago. My boyfriend was there. They got into a fight, he... he... killed him." 

She couldn't stop the flow of tears. Only after a minute did she realize he was still talking to her. His voice was choked with strong emotion and she could see the tears threatening behind his eyes as he fiercely demanded over and over again. "Where Francesca? Where?" She managed to say. "Outside my apartment on N Rundel Place." He was poised for flight as he asked for the apartment number, her boyfriend's name and her car keys. She numbly gave him all that he asked for, thinking it was the least she could do for killing his lover, her brother. She called after him. "Wait. He'll kill you too." She wasn't sure if she heard his response right. "I don't care." And he was gone. 

Maria had opened the door at this point so she couldn't hide. "Frannie? Frannie? What's wrong? Come inside. Was that Ben?" Frannie nodded yes, she was too overcome to say anything as her sister gently led her into the livingroom and helped her over to the couch. Maria sat with her, keeping her arm around her sister as she cried, trying to comfort her. When her sobbing had slowed, Maria asked. "Talk to me Frannie. I promise I'll listen and try to understand. Just talk to me, ok? What happened?" At the encouraging supportive words Frannie's tragic story poured forth. 

******************************* 

Ben's world was in turmoil and turned upside down. His thoughts were filled with grief, rage, fear, and confusion like he'd never experienced before. When he told Francesca he didn't care what happened to him, he'd meant it, without Ray he felt he was only half alive now anyway. He drove 

quickly over to the hated area of Chicago. He hated this city; he hated being here; he hated that Ray had even come back here at all. He thought if he had just stayed with him up north he'd be safe and alive right now. Thinking about the life they shared up north brought a pain to his heart, to think he could end up going back to that empty house without his lover. There wasn't a home for him now. Ray had once told him that wherever he was that was his home. It worked both ways, because Ray had become his home too and that was gone now. 

As he drove by his old apartment complex, he shivered at the flood of memories threatening to overtake him. The alleyway where he suffered and Diefenbaker died almost had him cause a car accident as he passed it. A few streets more and the car turned down N Rundel Avenue. Parking the car along the curb in front of Francesca's apartment complex, he got out and walked along the sidewalk. His stomach lurched as he realized that he was close to where she told him Ray had been killed. He saw evidence of a fight, there was a tooth and a bit of blood, *his* blood near it. He closed his eyes and took a deep cleansing breath so he could continue with his mission. As he approached the apartment anyone he came in contact with he desperately asked them if they had witnessed a fight a few days ago. No one wanted to talk; no one wanted to get involved; no one cared. His desperation grew - if his lover was dead, he needed to see for himself; needed to avenge his death; and at the very least make sure his body was lovingly respected and buried or he'd never be able to forgive himself. 

He entered the dingy, dirty apartment complex, so like the one he'd lived in once before. Bounding up the flights of stairs with no effort, he found the apartment he hoped to catch his lover's murderer in. He knocked at the door, but that wasn't his first thought of reaction, which had been to actually kick it in. There was movement behind the door, someone was in, and after a moment the door opened. The man who greeted him, named Todd, was dishevelled, drunk and poorly groomed. The man's words were bruskly interrupted, "Yeah, what do ya wa..." the last word cut off as the full fury of Ben came down upon the unsuspecting man. Ben pushed his way into the apartment, all the while with a firm grip on the man's throat as he smacked him up against a wall. He'd had his belt off and looped around the man's hands so he couldn't strike back. When finished, his angry face was inches away from that of the hated man, as he snarled out. "Where is he? What did you do with him?" All he got in return was garbled gasps, because he was crushing the man's throat. Starting to realize this he eased up a little, so the man could talk. He got a wheeze out of the startled scared man and then "Who?" Fraser angrily shot back. "Ray Vecchio. You killed him a couple of days ago and you're gonna regret you were ever born because of it." The man started to struggle more in his grasp. Fraser just wickedly smiled. "Go ahead and struggle, fight me if you want to, you're not getting out of here alive if you don't tell me where he is!" Again the man was having a hard time breathing and speaking. "Who are ya?" Fraser looked his enemy in his scared eyes. "His *very* angry lover." 

The man looked defeated as he choked out. "He's in a dumpster near the Bon Vivant restaurant on S Willow Street." At the dreaded information, that confirmed for him now his lover must truly be dead, he squeezed the throat beneath his hands harder. Suddenly he felt a hand at his arm trying to pry him off the target of his hate. "Benton stop. You're not a killer. Stop. He's not worth it." Welsh's voice penetrated his murderous thoughts and his hands relaxed their grip. When he removed them all together he just stared at them in shock, then with grief stricken eyes he looked over at the man who stopped him, choking out repetitively. "He left me. He's dead. He's left me behind." 

Maria had called for Welsh specifically when Francesca had confessed the whole tragic story to her. When she told him what had occurred and her fear of Fraser's actions towards Ray's killer, he'd promised to get to N Rundel immediately. He'd gotten there with Huey in tow, just as Fraser got the location of Ray's body out of the terrified and barely breathing man. When he gently convinced Fraser to release the man, he was relieved that he could stop him from killing the man outright. He placed a comforting arm around Fraser's shoulders and led him to the couch, while an angry Huey read the hated man in the other room his rights and cuffed him for immediate removal to the precinct. Welsh tried to soothe Fraser. "Don't worry I'll send someone to take care of Ray. Esther will take good care of him. I promise." Fraser's distraught eyes caught those that were looking into his. "I need to go. I need to see him. I owe him that." Welsh didn't like the thought of that. "Son, I don't think you want to do that." Fraser just stood up and started walking out the door, faster than Welsh could stop him. "I want to do that." Welsh followed quickly after him, then fell in step with the determined mountie to go along with him, seeing as he was so intent on finding the body of his lover, he didn't want him to be alone when he did. 

They'd taken Welsh's car to the site and on the way over Welsh called in for a forensics team and the coroner. Welsh and Ben were the first one's there. He'd barely stopped the car when Fraser had the door open and practically ran to the dumpster. His heart almost stopped beating, when he'd seen one of Ray's expensive italian made shoes next to the bin, slightly covered by a stray newspaper. He was afraid to look further, but felt compelled to continue after a second's hesitation. Lifting the container's metal lid he flung it so it would stay open and pulled himself up to the edge, leaning from his waist over its side to peer inside for its dark secret. 

The lighting was bad in there, so it took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust. He didn't see his lover inside at the top of the heap of garbage, but to him that didn't mean he couldn't be buried farther down. He was about to jump into the bin to dig, when he was stopped by hands at his legs trying to pull him back down to the ground. Annoyed at this interruption of his task, he struggled and a battle of wills ensued. "Let me go! I've got to get him out of here. He hates dumpsters. He needs to get out of here." He began to notice all the commotion that was going on now within the alley, the flashing police lights lighting up the alleyway which had been getting darker by the moment as the sun was starting to go down. But still he struggled with the hands at his leg. He kicked out with one leg that had gotten free and must have made painful contact with the person pulling, because in the next second he was released and the force of it had him flipped into the dumpster shortly thereafter. 

******************************* 

The smell of decay and the throbbing pain in his head were rousing a disoriented Ray. He shifted and his one stockinged foot came in contact with something that he didn't want to identify, couldn't identify even if he wanted to in its rotted state. "Ewww..Ouch!" His disgusted exclamation was interrupted by the remark of pain when he moved his head too suddenly in the dumpster he now realized he was in. He was so disoriented. *Oh great...*, he thought to himself looking down at his soiled suit, *...another dumpster, another ruined suit. Fraser must not be too far behind.* He laughed mirthlesslessly to himself. At the thought of his friend though, he became motivated to move more rapidly casting his eyes about for Fraser, calming down only when he rationalized he wasn't there. Removing himself from the dumpster and walking to the mouth of the alley he found himself in, he shuffled down the street orienting himself with what part of the city he was in now. All the while he was trying to recollect how he managed to wind up where he did. When he saw a street sign and recognized a couple of landmarks in this area, he realized he was in a somewhat decent neighborhood, just a few blocks away from Louise St Laurent's apartment. He decided to walk over there to get her assistance, use her phone, bum a ride if necessary. 

Louise heard the buzzer of her intercom go off and went to press the button that would let her communicate with whoever was there. "Yeah, who is it?" The voice that came back to her over the intercom startled and surprised her. "Louise, its Ray." Louise didn't like game playing, especially when it came to her confused feelings towards him. "Go away Ray." The deflated voice that came back to her sounded funny. "Please Louise. I really need you." She turned on her tv to the internal security channel which would let her see him at the door. He was leaning heavily against the wall with his head resting near the intercom panel, eyes closing for a minute. Seeing the state he was in, something within her melted, it could have been her heart, as she heard herself say without consciously allowing it. "Just wait a minute and I'll come downstairs." She saw on the screen a tired half-smile turn up the corner of his mouth. Her little voice of reason within her spoke up loudly inside her. *Louise you're getting suckered in again. Watch yourself. Don't let him hurt you again.* But the other voice which she hadn't allowed herself to even acknowledge existed any more spoke up much louder. *Remember what he told you two days ago? That he still cares about you. Now he says he needs you Louise. He's come to you Louise. Maybe there's still a chance?* 

When he opened his eyes, he saw a beautiful vision of her quickly approaching him through the glass door separating the main alcove with the rest of the apartment complex. Before long she was at his side and gasping when she saw and smelled the sorry state he was in. She noticed he was wearing the same moss green suit he'd had on the day she spoke to him at the precinct. Wincing inwardly she recalled the 'discussion' they'd had then, so she was finding it hard to understand why after that he was here with her now; but didn't press. She'd find out later, because now he seemed like he could barely stand up. She had seen the bruises on his face and the lump that had formed on his head. "Oh god Ray. What happened? Here let me help you." She slipped her arm around his waist, as he placed his arm around her shoulders, while she helped him walk. She could feel him swaying unsteadily against her and was afraid he would pass out soon, before she could safely get him into her apartment. He was barely aware of much around him, pleading over and over again. "Louise, please help me." Her heart melting a little more each time as she responded. "Shhh. Its ok Ray. I'm here. I'll help. Don't worry." 

After a little effort she managed to get him into her apartment and on to her bed. It was the most logical place she could think of, seeing as he was barely awake now, trying with effort to keep his eyes open, but gradually failing, until she no longer was given rewards of glimpses at those beautiful green eyes. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. She felt his pulse and checked his breathing to ensure herself he was just sleeping. Reassured she examined him closely now that he was stationary and within her care. Concerned and angry at the same time. *Oh Ray. What happened? Who did this to you?* But he was dead to the world and the thoughts going around in her head. 

They'd been lovers once, so long ago. They'd shared an intimacy for a while that she had never had with anyone else that compared. Not only had he been a good lover, but he had once made her feel fully loved, desired, wanted, needed. When those feelings started to gradually fade away, she had never felt so bereft in her life. She'd always been a career minded woman, who never felt she had time for or could accommodate love or marriage or a family into her life. But with Ray she almost thought it could be possible to have both her career and her lover. He'd almost let her believe that she was beautiful and worth loving, not the 'Ice Maiden' she'd overheard people at work call her, when they thought she couldn't hear. The 'Ice Maiden' she'd let herself become believing what they said must be true... until Ray. 

She'd left the room briefly to get warm water, soap, towels and a first-aid kit. Placing them on the sidetable, she lowered herself so that she was seated by his side. Gazing down at the bruised, dirty, scraped face, he looked so vulnerable, and surprising herself - so inviting. She wanted so badly to touch her lips against his, but instead she brushed a light hand across the bruised cheek of her ex- lover and sadly whispered out. "Why didn't you choose me? I love you Ray. Why couldn't it be me?". She worked at cleaning and tending his wounds. Louise couldn't help but laugh to herself as she undressed her ex-lover from his soiled clothes, while he slept unaware in her bed. *Well I've got you in my bed and get to undress you once again. But somehow this isn't what I fantasized and dreamed a reunion with you would be like. The least you could do is pay attention while I'm doing all the work.* She began to recall a time when they had made love in this very bed. 

"Oh Louise you're so beautiful. So... oh yes... yes... so sexy... Louise... next time I want to drive." he teased between their panting, sighs and moans as she rode him, while he grinned up at her in ecstasy and his masterful hands travelled along her sweat slicked routes to find a rest stop in their path fondling her breasts. She'd smiled and leaned down to lick the tip of his nose briefly as she relentlessly continued her passionate assault on his manhood. "You just don't like women drivers." she'd managed to gasp out. When at last they both climaxed she collapsed on top of him exhausted, his arms going around her protectively, securely, like a safety belt, as he kissed the top of her head and softly spoke. "I won't complain about women drivers ever again. You're a really good driver. Any time you want to drive again. Just let me know." She let out a tired muffled laugh at his chest and turned her head slightly to place a kiss there. He had let her drive his Riv earlier that night. He'd been nervous about it at first when she had asked. It was an honor she knew he didn't afford alot of people, if ever, and when he allowed her to after just a moment's hesitation she was immeasurably pleased. But now in his arms, she knew he wasn't talking about her handling of his beloved car, but the expert handling of its satisfied owner. 

Her reverie was broken as he shifted and mumbled under her careful ministrations, which left him stripped down to his colorfully patterned silk boxers. She daren't go further than that, she reprimanded herself for even considering it. She'd cleaned him up as best she could, saddened to see the mottling of bruises continuing along his chest and especially his abdomen. Rising from the bed she placed a light kiss on his forehead and left the bedroom, headed for the crawl space that was behind her closet in the guest bedroom. In there she found the box that she'd placed there years ago, not having opened it since she hid it away, only moments ago recollecting that she still had it. 

In it she found some of his old clothes that he'd left at her apartment. He'd gotten in the habit of visiting alot during the height of their relationship, catching any time possible between their work shifts to be with her that he had left some of his clothes. She chuckled to herself remembering that the man was worse than a woman sometimes in the amount of fashionable clothes he owned - he was a clothes horse - having so many that those he'd left at her place he never even missed or probably forgot he even owned. As she freed the clothes from their long imprisonment, a stack of papers tied up with ribbon fell from one of the shirts. Picking it up she began reading the small stack of notes, cards and letters he'd sent her. They were alternately sweet, funny and serious, sometimes all in the same missive. Reading through them again brought an ache for what they once shared and an overwhelming sadness at realizing the man she loved, loved another now and that other was a man. 

He'd been exhausted and slept through that night and late into the next day. Periodically calling out "Benny.", his lover, not her name as she prayed it would be, but that of Fraser, her rival. It bothered her to hear the name spoken with such want and in such need. She somehow managed to stay at his side through these painful reminders, soothing him and holding his hand on occassion to calm his restless sleep. At some point she'd fallen asleep, lying by his side, fully clothed in her jeans and law school sweatshirt. 

While sleeping she sensed someone leaning over her, then the feeling of lips against her cheek. She refused to open her eyes, thinking she was dreaming it, imagining the sensation, but then those lips were there again taunting her. When they touched her mouth she gave in to the sensation and gradually woke to a full satisfying kiss. When she was fully awake she realized the kiss hadn't been a part of her dream, but it had to be, because she was kissing the man she thought she'd never kiss again. Pulling away rapidly when she came to her senses. "Ray! Stop! What are you doing?" He seemed taken aback and hurt by her reaction. 

"Kissing you. Is there something wrong? Oh, I should have brushed first. Sorry Louise." He said sincerely embarassed and shamed by his actions. "No, that's not it. Why'd you kiss me like that? Let alone kiss me?" He looked at her like she had grown a second head. "You've let me kiss ya like that before. As a matter of fact it was just a couple of days ago. Ya couldn't have forgotten already." He said in mock hurt. "Ya know, the morning after the 'whipped cream' incident. Ya still had a little bit of it on your mouth while you slept and I couldn't resist." He said suggestively with his eyes as he lifted his eyebrows up and down. She was shocked at his words of recollection. The incident he was speaking of was a little over six years ago and here he was talking about it as if only a few days had passed. 

She asked cautiously. "Ray what date is it?" He looked over at her puzzled. "Its Thursday of course." He glanced quickly at the alarm clock by her bed. "Oh man! I'm *really* late for work. Welsh's gonna have my butt. Why didn't you set the alarm? Hey wait a minute? When did I come over? Oooh." At this last part he swayed slightly when the remembered pain in his head intruded into his words. He teased. "Louise did we? Ya know. Did we get a little too rough or something last night? I didn't know you were into that stuff babe. Ya should have warned me." She couldn't help but chuckle at the comical expression of puzzlement and the strange look he was giving her on account of what he was hinting around at. "No Ray we didn't get into any really kinky rough stuff last night. Although you might have with someone else before you showed up at my door last evening. You came to me like this. Ray were you mugged? I couldn't find your wallet or watch or cross on you. Do you remember anything about how this happened?" He sighed in frustration as he tried hard to put the pieces of the missing time together. 

What he didn't realize then was that he only thought he had blanked out on a couple of days, but what he'd really done was block out over six years of his life. He'd gone back to a time when Louise was his lover and Fraser was still just his closest friend and nothing more than that to him. He tried hard to concentrate and remember what had happened, but it wouldn't come back to him, frustrated he sighed again. "Damn! I can't remember." Louise spoke soothingly and compassionately to him. "Well then what's the last thing you do remember?" He smiled devilishly. "I remember you and I were talking about the Giradelli case and you told me you wanted to 'debrief' me. And I said - What? In here? Where someone can watch through the two-way mirror? You're wicked Louise." She laughed with him at the memory that was supposedly fresh in his mind, but so long ago in her own. 

"I should probably call ma, she's probably wondering where I am. Then Welsh, to try and explain why I'm not at work. Man, he's never gonna believe..." Louise couldn't stop herself, amazed at the words that were coming out of her mouth. "Sure he will. I already called and told him you weren't coming in today. You'd been mugged. He's got Huey working on it. And don't worry I told your sister you were with me too, but not that you were mugged. I took care of everything while you slept." She tested the waters. "Your sister told me Fraser was concerned about you, when you didn't show up to pick him up at the consulate last night. He'll be relieved to hear you're alright. He seems to really care about you." 

She studied his face and reactions carefully at her well chosen words in regards to his lover. He just smiled and said. "Yeah, well I'll have to go by and see him tomorrow. They'll all just have to wait while I spend the night with you. But first I think I'll shower. Care to join me?" She smiled at his invitation and sincerely wanted to take him up on the offer, but her conscience was kicking in at her perpetuating his fantasy by lying to him. With his earlier words, she berated herself for not having called those she realized now would be worried about him. She told herself. *I'll call them later. Let him get cleaned up first. Yeah. That's what I'll do.* 

She heard the sound of water running and then a call to her, asking if she had any non-perfumey type soap and shampoo. She entered the bathroom with the items he requested. Reaching in to him with the soaps, trying not to look, her arm was playfully grabbed as he pulled her fully clothed into the shower with him. She knew she should get out of there, but his naked body was so close to her that she could see and feel the evidence of his arousal for her. She found herself wanting so badly to make love to him again, especially when that charming grin of his and those expressive eyes seduced her with his intent. "I was hoping ya could wash my back. And then when you're done with that there's my ..." He didn't finish because she was all over him then, her lips pressed hard up against his, her hands moving impatiently all over his water slicked body. His hands were unzipping her jeans and pulling them down and away from her. When the jeans and her panties had been discarded, one hand slid around her waist to rest on her buttocks, the other hand slid underneath her. She thrilled to the sensation of his fingers creeping below, playing, rubbing, touching her down there; making her squirm and moan at this pleasure he could always bring her, which she'd sorely missed for too long. When he'd finished there, she helped him strip the rest of her soggy clothes from her and toss them out of the tub. 

Their nude bodies were fully touching now. She lost herself in all-consuming passion, so that she never once thought again that she was letting him live these moments in a lie. She pretended to believe in that lie as well, wanting so badly to believe what he did, that they were still lovers. When she felt his warm flesh enter her, she was in l mind-numbing ecstasy, as he thrust into her and withdrew repetitively in an increasing rhythm, which was so achingly familiar and so desired, as she fell into synch with him. When they brought each other to the brink and beyond, it was only then as they wound down their lovemaking, that she began to think about what she'd just allowed to happen. 

******************************** 

Ben dug and dug desperately searching for his lover's body in a panic. He'd amazingly found Ray's gold cross on its chain, but it wasn't connected to the neck he'd kissed so many times before. When he'd exhausted every inch of the bin, he sat amidst the trash laughing. To those outside the bin it sounded as if he might be crying. When Welsh heard it he was rapidly pulling himself up to look over the edge and was shocked to see that Fraser was actually laughing. Afraid for the mountie's mental health, he spoke out. "Why don't you come out of there now. We'll take care of Ray." 

Fraser just smiled up at him. "You can't." Welsh was puzzled. "I know you loved him Benton, but you're acting irrational now. Come out of there." Ben did as he was told, meanwhile happily grinning and saying. "He's not in here. He was in here, but he's not now. He must not have been dead like Francesca and Todd thought and got out of this dumpster himself. I told you he hated dumpsters. Guess it was enough that he wouldn't be caught dead in one." He laughed at his morbid joke, amazing those around him at his extreme change in behavior from before. 

As soon as his feet touched the ground he was walking over to a police officer with a flashlight. "Mind if I borrow this? Thank-you kindly." He shone the light along the alleyway trying to see any signs of which way his lover would have gone. Then he saw it. He bent down and touched his finger to the ground. Bringing the finger first to his nose to sniff, he then licked it, to the disgust of the police officers incredulously watching him. All the while the joy at the thought of his lover still being alive, this trail helping prove it, couldn't wipe the smile from his eyes or mouth. He'd found an unusual track that any other without his keen eyesight and sense of tracking might have missed. Ray had gotten some of the abundant rotted peach cobbler that was inside the dumpster on his sock. Ben shone the light along a faint trail of it leading out of the alleyway. As he followed it further it gradually got fainter and fainter as the goo became less and less on Ray's sock. When it seemed as if the trail ended at the corner of a street, two blocks up, he tried to think like his lover and determine if he were beaten up and disoriented where would he go from here? He looked around him to see if there was anything familiar about this part of town. Closing his eyes briefly he concentrated on what landmarks he'd seen in this area. Then it hit him hard and brought back a pang of jealousy when he remembered who lived near enough to this area that Ray, on foot, would go to. 

As he headed to Louise St Laurent's apartment he knew he was on the right path when he'd seen the other of Ray's shoes discarded near the top of an overflowing garbage can. Fraser smiled to himself when he'd seen the evidence he was on the right track. Speaking in his mind to his lover, as if Ray had left that there especially for him. *Thanks Ray.* 

Welsh had dismissed the team he'd called into the alleyway a few blocks back and was trying to catch up with the swiftly moving mountie, who didn't pay him any attention and had unintentionally ditched Welsh. Welsh couldn't keep up to him as Fraser ran through an alleyway. He seemed to vanish in thin air, when he thought he'd followed correctly then lost him when confronted with a choice of going left or right at the end of the maze of it. 

Fraser continued his way through the side streets and alleyways, as he rapidly approached Louise's apartment complex from behind. He knew her's was on the second floor and had a balcony which could be seen from his vantage point down below as he got nearer. He noticed the lights were on, signalling someone was there, which pleased him. What pleased him even more was when he saw his lover alive standing by the edge of the balcony, hands holding the railing, gazing out at the last bits of night rolling in. Smiling triumphantly he called out to him. "Ray! Ray!" 

In that same moment his joy went to shock. His heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vise, when he saw Louise pop out from behind 'his' lover. Only now did he see that her arms were around Ray's chest from behind and then he was turning into her embrace... to kiss her. A deep lingering kiss, like those of which Ben was all too familiar with. His first thought was to flee, he wanted to just keep running, never looking back at this city - his own personal hell on earth - again. But Ray must have heard his call from earlier, because the kiss ended abruptly as he turned back to the edge of the balcony peering out into the dark below, its only light now was cast from the windows above. "Benny? Whatch'ya doin' down there? Spyin' on me? Come up here. I need to talk to ya." 

Ben's emotions had gone through too much in the past couple of days, to him this was the ultimate pain. He found himself wishing that he had found his lover dead in that dumpster earlier, because what he was feeling now he thought felt much worse. He thought he'd never say this to Ray, but the words came quickly to his mouth. "Good-bye Ray!" and he stalked off back the way he'd come. Ray watched as Ben retreated from the light to go back into the shadows and dark of the city surrounding them. He heard the angry hurt way Fraser said those words to him and couldn't recall ever hearing that tone from the mountie before. Sensing something was very wrong, he immediately brushed past 

Louise, who was trying to slow him down by calling to him. "Ray wait!". Her words only slightly registered as he burst out of her front door into the hallway. But he never turned around and just kept running until he was out of the complex, hoping to catch up to his friend. He ran out the back door of the complex and into the dark where he'd seen Ben go, loudly calling out. "Benny wait!". 

Ben could hear Ray's calls for him, but he wasn't about to respond. They were finished, over, no more would he let anyone get that close to him again he vowed to himself. He wanted nothing more than to be back in the Territories again right now - *alone* - like he was before he'd ever come to Chicago; before he'd ever met and fallen in love with Ray Vecchio. When he heard Ray's running footsteps get closer, he moved his body into a dark doorway, so that Ray would just run past him, like he wasn't even there. 

"Benny please. Where are you? Damn it answer me! I know you can hear me! Beeennnnyyy!" Then Ben saw the truck approaching Ray from behind, but Ray wasn't paying attention in his search for him. The driver couldn't see Ray, who was dressed in dark pants and shirt. If Ben didn't do something soon he knew it could be too late. He hollered out. "Ray behind you!" As he ran from his hiding place towards Ray to help push him out of the way if necessary. Fortunately Ray sidestepped the truck with seconds to spare, without help, but now Ben was out in the open near the light from the back door of one of the buildings. Ray spotted him right away. "There ya are. Don't ya run away from me! What's wrong with ya?! Ya goin' deaf like that wolf of your's or somethin'?" Fraser snarled back. "No! Its what's wrong with you! And don't ever mention Diefenbaker to me again!" 

Ray was taken aback by the anger and hurt he heard coming from his normally calm and controlled friend. He was beginning to think Fraser had finally lost that last screw that was loose, especially when he'd balled him out for referring to Dief. "Benny what's got ya so sore at me? What'd I do? Is it that I didn't pick ya up at the consulate? What?" Ben responded with a voice choked with deep emotions, that normally he could force himself to keep inside. But now every hurt, fear, anger he ever felt tinged his next words. "You know exactly what you did. I can't believe you kissed her. I should have known she was the real reason you wanted to come back to this awful place!" 

Ray was really confused and puzzled now. "Benny you're not makin' any sense. Man you're actin' like a jealous lover." Ben coldly replied. "I'm not acting Ray." Ray barrelled over his reply, not hearing it as he continued from before. "What's with this? Ya know I've been datin' Louise. Ya even went to that precinct cookout with us last week. I kissed her in front of ya then and ya didn't get all in a snit about it. What's the big deal? She got rabies or somethin' that I should know about?" 

Then it hit Ray like a ton of bricks what Ben had said to him last. "Benny what was that last part about 'not actin'? Are ya tryin' to tell me somethin' buddy? You are jealous of her aren't ya? Oh god Benny I didn't know ya felt that way about me. 'Me'? When ya could have any woman ya want? Are ya tryin' to tell me ya want 'me'?" The look of incredulity on Ray's face and the strange things he'd said earlier started to form a pattern for Ben now as he tried to calm himself. "Ray what date is it?" Ray gave him a sideways puzzled look. "Why does everyone keep askin' me that? Its Thursday of course. And I know how precise ya like to be, so its July 12th, 1995. I'd tell ya what time it is, but some mugger got my watch. But let's not change the subject. Talk to me Benny. I won't get mad at ya. Are ya tellin' me ya like me? Not just, ya know, in a friend kinda way, but in a ... ya know... an 'attracted to like' kinda way? Man I can't believe I just asked ya that. Forget it. Pretend I didn't say nothin'. I musta got conked on the head harder than I thought." 

Ben had noticed the bruises and lump on the back of his lover's head, and now the date from over six years ago that Ray gave him believing it to be today's date, made him realize that Ray had selective amnesia. That he must have blocked out his memories from July 1995 until now. Fraser said a choice word about Louise in his head for helping perpetuate Ray's fantasy that he was still in the past and 'her' lover. He smirked to himself thinking he was about to foil her plan in less than a minute. 

Fraser looked deep into Ray's eyes and said what Ray always said to him when he rambled too much. "Just shut up and kiss me already." Then he pressed his mouth against Ray's, enjoying the surprised widening of Ray's eyes at the sudden intimate touch. However, within seconds Ray had that contented look which Ben knew so well. Ben had the advantage here and he was going to use it. Ray was 'his' lover, not Louise's, and amnesia be damned, he was going to claim him in this state as well. Through years of intimacy he knew how to please Ray and leave him begging for more, now was no exception. When Ben slowly pulled his gentle caressing hands and mouth away, Ray hadn't been ready to part with him yet; his head had moved forward to follow, like a magnet, after Ben's departing lips. Ben smiled lovingly at the man, who was falling in love with him all over again as if it were the first time. 

"Now what was that you were asking me? Ah yes I remember. Let me explain it to you in a way I think you'll understand." He went into an impersonation of his lover. "Yeah, I'm tellin' ya I like ya not in just a, ya know, in a friend kinda way, but in a ... ya know... an 'attracted to like' kinda way?" Switching back to his own voice. "I love you Ray. I want you. All of you. I want to be with you; be there for you; make love to you." When he'd finished he realized, through the outside light by a door nearby, that Ray was blushing. He'd never seen him blush like this before. Ray spoke out. "I've never seen ya so forward like this Benny. Slow down, let me catch up. This is all new to me... its scarin' me... because I think I feel the same way. Are ya sure ya want me?" Ben smiled at him. "Never been more sure of anything in my life. Do you want me to show you how sure I am?" Ray looked apprehensive. "Does it involve heavy breathin' and foreplay? I don't know if I'm ready for that yet Benny. I'm still tryin' to get used to the idea of your kissin' me." Ben laughed inwardly to himself. *Oh believe me you're ready. You just don't remember how ready you are.* 

******************************** 

A worried Ben conned Ray into stopping by Cook County hospital under the pretense he had promised to stop in on a friend there. Ben asked Ray to wait for him in the waiting room and excused himself for a couple of minutes to locate psychiatrist Dr. Lowell in his office. He knocked politely at the partially opened door. "Hello Dr Lowell. I don't know if you remember me or not, I'm Constable Benton Fraser." The doctor looked up and smiled. "Yes I remember you and your cop friend Ray Vecchio. How are you? Can I help you?" Fraser walked further into the office. "I'm well thank-you. Actually I was hoping you could help Ray. He seems to have blocked out the last six years of his life after suffering a blow to the head a couple of days ago." Lowell seemed pleased, intrigued and concerned at the same time. "Ah, so you and Ray are 'friends' again? I'm glad to hear it. He was so unhappy when you left. Where is he? I'd like to talk with him?" 

Fraser had the doctor follow him back to the waiting room. Fraser spoke to Ray. "Ray, this is a friend - Dr Lowell. He wanted to meet you." The doctor reached out a hand to Ray, which Ray shook. "Hello Ray. I hear you were hurt a couple of days ago. Do you mind if I take a look?" Ray looked annoyed at Ben realizing he'd been set up, but nodded his assent to the doctor, and winced when he prodded the sensitive area. "Bet you had one hell of a headache when you woke up. Someone got you good. I think you should have your head examined." Ray laughed. "Yeah I've been told that before... and that was before I got hit on the noggin." Ray reluctantly agreed to tests at Ben's prodding. 

Dr Lowell gradually brought up the subject of selective amnesia to Ray and had him understand he was blocking six years of his life as a psychological self-defense mechanism. That he'd repressed his memories back to 1995, because that was a time in his life before so many traumatic and stressful events occurred in his life. Things which confused and hurt him, which had gotten to a point where they overwhelmed him. Lowell had spoken with Fraser and reassured him that Ray would most likely recover that time period, just to go slow and be patient Ray would remember in his own time and way. 

When Fraser waited for Ray and Lowell to finish their private discussion, Ben had called Ray's mother to let her know he'd successfully found Ray. He warned her of Ray's state of mind and stated he'd be bringing him home shortly. 

******************************** 

It was slightly after 11 PM when an exhausted Ben and Ray entered the Vecchio home after the dramatic events of the past couple of days. No sooner had the door opened when Francesca and Maria were there to greet them both, especially their brother. Francesca cast sad tear filled eyes at him and couldn't find the words to express how sorry she was. Ray, who didn't remember why she was so unhappy, just looked over at her with concern. He reached her in two quick easy strides. "Frannie, what's wrong? Don't cry." Then he noticed her eye and placed his hand gently on her face as he examined her and looked into her sorrowful eyes. 

"Oh god Frannie. Who did this to you? I'll beat the crap out of 'em." She couldn't help but laugh slightly in the midst of her sadness. "You already tried. Have you looked at your face in a mirror lately? You look worse than I do." 

She grew serious and sincere with her next words. "I'm sorry Ray." Ray looked puzzled. "What for?... You mean that incident 3 days ago, where you purposely spilled tomato sauce on my favorite jacket? Ach. It was a waste of a good suit. Have you checked your jewelry box yet? We're even." Ben spoke up. "Remember what Dr Lowell told you Ray? This is one of those times." Ray seemed confused at first then enlightened. "Ooohhh. Well is it something I would forgive her for Benny? I'll take your word on it." Ben nodded his head enthusiastically in the positive, knowing how much Ray before all this had happened, wanted to be reconciled with Francesca. 

He looked back over at his teary-eyed sister. "Well Benny seems to think I should forgive you. That's good enough for me right now. But when I get my memory back... and I will get it back... and you've done anything to the Riv or any of my other possessions, I may have to take this back and deny all knowledge. I'll claim mental instability. Deal?" She gave him a half-hearted smile. "Deal." With that he pulled her into an affectionate embrace. "Apology accepted Cesspool." Frannie hugged her brother tightly back and placed a kiss on a part of his face not covered with a bruise. Then pulled away in mock anger. "You know I hate being called that! Why couldn't your swiss cheese memory forget about that? Permanently!" 

Ray saw his other sister was grinning broadly. "What're you just standing around grinning for? Get over here and welcome me home too." He now had both sisters in the hug, while he gave Ben a be-careful-what-you-say look on his face. "You say anything about a KODAK moment and I'll slug ya." Ben just lifted his hands in surrender. "You won't hear it from me. Although this does remind me of the time I helped two Inuit women and their brother..." Ray shook his head as he released his sisters. "Benny." "Yes Ray?" "Haven't I suffered enough already? Please *no* Inuit stories." 

They'd visited with a delighted yet concerned Mrs Vecchio before turning in for bed. Ben had prepared Ray earlier on their way over to the house about Mrs Vecchio's condition. He'd been upset by it all over again, but was dealing with it well all things considered. They'd said their good nights and gone their separate ways - Ray to his old room and Ben to a guest room. 

Ray was sound asleep when Ben entered his room late that night. He'd been unable to get to sleep, so he decided to go to his lover's room. Ben was still edgy from everything that had happened, and wanted to be with him to ease his worries, and he missed him. He sat in a chair near the window and just watched as his lover slept. He smiled to himself when he heard Ray laughing lightly in his sleep. Ray had a habit of quietly laughing, talking or smiling in his sleep sometimes that was endearing to Ben. At times it would wake him up and he would be amused by the pieces of nonsensical conversation he'd overhear, sometimes talking back to him, knowing he wasn't listening, but it entertained him nonetheless. He remembered teasing his lover about his never being able to keep quiet even in sleep. Being here with him now made him feel more relaxed and at peace than he had in days. 

At one point Ray shifted in his sleep so that he was facing Ben and groggily spoke. "Benny? That you? Whaddya doin' here? Can't sleep?" Ben nodded and said. "No. I couldn't. Wanted to make sure you were ok." Ray smiled at his friend's concern and protectiveness. "I'm ok Benny... Come here." He patted the bedside next to him, which drew Ben nearer. The bed shifted at the newly added weight as he sat next to him. "I'm too tired for much more than sleep Benny. But this bed is big enough for two..." Ben smiled at the invitation and slowly lowered himself to lay down next to his dearest friend. He gave Ray his space, not getting too close or touching him, since he didn't want to push the relationship they'd once shared on Ray now, it would come back again gradually in time and Ben was a patient man. 

Shortly after he settled on the bed he felt an arm drape across him and Ray moved closer to place his head on Ben's chest. Ben smiled contentedly and moved his arm to encase his bedmate, then kissed the top of his head. His eyes began to close as he whispered out. "Good night Ray." All he got in return was the sound of Ray's sleep filled breathing lulling him into a comforting slumber of his own. 

******************************** 

Any harder and Ray thought he'd be permanently marked with the imprint of Ben's fingers, his hand was being held so tightly. He felt too the trembling being telegraphed from Ben's body through to Ray's reassuring grip. Ray was willing to endure the fingers digging into him and absorb the trembling if it would help ease Ben's fear. "Are ya sure ya really wanna do this Benny? Ya don't have to ya know. No one's gonna think less of ya; certainly not me." Ben just gave him a half-hearted smile. "But I'll think less of me if I don't face up to this fear... keep letting it control me. I don't want to be afraid any more Ray." Ray gave his lover a sympathetic look. "Ya want me to go inwith ya?" Ben turned to face him and shook his head. "No Ray. Thanks for offering, but I need to do this by myself." Ray lifted his non-held hand to touch his lover's face and then stepped forward to kiss him briefly. "I'll be right here waitin' for ya. I won't budge for nobody until ya get back." Ben gave him a smile as he released Ray's captive hand. "I know. Heaven help the person who tries." He lovingly chuckled. He made the short walk along the corridor and turned towards a door on his left. He looked over his shoulder briefly and saw Ray still standing where he'd left him. Ray nodded over to him smiling and pointing to the ground at his feet, signalling *I'm still here. Not budged yet.*, as Ben slowly pushed open the door at the end of the hallway. 

He entered cautiously, not knowing what to expect, very on- guard, as he looked about him as if he expected an ambush. When none came he approached the bed and the gaunt man lying there, who was surrounded by machines and tubes running all over, some into different parts of his body. In sleep the man seemed to be in pain as the monitors and his labored breathing penetrated the silence of the room. Ben almost turned around to leave, sickened by the sight of the arm which lay outside of the blanket, revealing faint scars from being attacked by a now long dead wolf. 

When he forced himself to stand next to the bed and stare down at the face which had brought him so many years of fear and self-loathing, he startled slightly when the eyes suddenly snapped open. The eyes were dazed for a few seconds, then seemed to latch on to his own. A hoarse voice cracked out from behind a crooked smile. "Come to finish me off mountie?" Ben felt like fleeing, berating himself at first that he should have let Ray come in with him or not come here at all, as he shivered slightly. Then from somewhere deep inside him he heard his father's voice reminding him about a lesson in fear and in his mind's eye he saw Ray waiting for him out in the hall. He held on tightly to each of them now and was buoyed with their strength added to his own as he responded. "No. That would be interrupting a divine order of punishment." 

His attacker now looked nothing like anyone he could fear, his sickly body weak and vulnerable from the ravages of his fatal disease. He was just a man, a pathetic human being, no longer the larger than life monstrous image that Fraser had carried within him for so many years. The voice wheezed out. "Then why'd ya come? Did ya miss me handsome? We spoil ya, that your lover's fuckin' isn't enough for ya any more?" His words and the sleazy smile on his face angered Ben and made him want to wipe it off of his hated face with his fist. "Come on mountie... do it! I can see it in your eyes. Kill me!" At this last part, Fraser suddenly realized these words were the desperate plea of a painfully dying man. Fraser coolly responded. "No." He felt lighter and no longer afraid of this man, as he turned on his heel, leaving his demon behind, who was calling out. "Come back here, I'm not through with you yet." 

Ben didn't say a word, but his eyes conveyed a new found confidence and strength to worried green eyes; their communication was purely non-verbal, as his hand gently slid into that of his waiting lover's and they headed for home. 

******************************** 

The bed was covered with just about everything he could have pulled out of his suitcase and travel bag. As he picked up items to place back in their rightful homes all about the room he was singing to himself - "Chicago, Chicago, its my kind of town..." Fraser who had just finished unpacking his own smaller bag, so that he'd finished sooner, glared over at his lover singing that *horrible* song. Ray smiled over at him playfully. "Sorry Benny. I forgot how much you hate that song." Ben closed the dresser drawer he'd placed the last of his clean clothes into and went to help his lover put away his clothes and personal effects. 

As he went to the closet to hang up some of Ray's pants, he said. "I thought your memory was getting better Ray. Is this a sign of a relapse? Perhaps you need your memory jogged?" Having finished his task in the closet he moved towards Ray when he said this last part, placing his arms around his lover, nuzzling and kissing his neck. Ray responded tauntingly. "Hmmm. Its startin' to come back a little bit Steve." Ben smiled, then pretended to be angry, as he spoke between nibbling and kissing. "Its Ben and don't you ever forget it. Do you remember this?" Taking the unpacked items Ray was handling out of his hands and throwing them back on the bed, he felt Ray's hands come around his back as he wanted. Ben then placed his mouth over his lover's for a full satisfying kiss. 

"Oh that. Its still kinda fuzzy. Ya may have to repeat that again later... but yeah its startin' to come back to me. Ya got any more refreshers for me?" At that they hastily pushed the items off the bed and onto the floor. They lay together kissing, groping, fondling, undressing each other. Ben's lips trailed slow caressing kisses along Ray's chest. Then further down he travelled, briefly paying attention to his lover's navel. His next stop was an especially pleasant reminder for Ray when Ben took him in his mouth. The exhilarating sensation had him gasping out. "Oh Benny... *this*... I remember." THE END 

************************************** 

EPILOGUE: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH... 

*Sorry ladies you can look, but you can't touch. He's mine.* he said to himself, with a self-satisfied grin. Ray was immeasurably pleased at the appreciative looks his lover, who wasn't noticing it himself, was getting from those they passed as they entered the park headed for its gazebo area. Ben even in his early forties, with streaks of grey in his hair, was still the most strikingly handsome man in the place and still able to cause all ages of women - young and old - to turn their heads for a second look. Today he looked especially handsome wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit, which brought out the vivid blue in his eyes. Walking alongside him with pride, hands seeming to accidentally touch every now and again, Ray was more formally attired in a modern style black tuxedo with a colorfully patterned vest. 

At one point during their walk Ray caught a hint of red-hair and turned his attention away from his lover and their destination to the woman off in the distance. Her back was to him, sitting on a bench near a playground a slight distance away. His steps slowed, no longer matching the stride he'd automatically fallen into to keep up with Ben. His hand no longer playing a teasing game with his lover. He started to lag behind slightly as he felt himself inexplicably drawn to the woman on the bench. Ben noticed the subtle change immediately. "Ray? What's wrong?" Ray smiled at his lover. "Nothin'. Just me bein' superstitious again. I forgot my sunglasses in the car. I'm gonna run back and get them." Ben made as if to follow him. "Benny you don't have to follow me. I'll be right there. Would you mind goin' ahead and lettin' them know I'm on my way, so my family won't worry?"... 

********************************* 

They'd been back in Canada for almost half a year after leaving Chicago behind once again. Around then Ray had inherited his friend Red's small airline that ran out of the airport near their home. His friend and 'surrogate' parent in the Territories had crashed one of the two planes he owned during a particularly bad storm that had sprung up suddenly. It had really shaken Ray when he received the news and he volunteered right away to do the search and rescue. Ben had heard the tragic news at his post and was at the airport as soon as possible knowing his lover would want to find Red. He wasn't going to let him go without him and just barely managed to catch Ray before he taxied out ontothe run-way. 

It had taken a while to locate the downed plane, but Fraser's keen eyesight had eventually picked up stray debris. Ray had called in their location and set their own plane expertly down near the site. Another team would come out to help them within an hour. They'd found the remains of the plane and unfortunately the remains of Ray's friend among them. Fortunately no passengers had been on this flight since it was supposed to be a supply run. 

Ray had wanted to help take care of Red, but was having a hard time of it. Ben had compassionately sent him to do another task of locating salvageable items from the plane, while he took care of Red, placing him in the back of the plane. When the sad task was done he found his lover just staring off at the mountains in the distance. 

He approached him purposely making some noise, because he knew Ray hated it when he 'snuck up' on him. It was second nature to Ben to tread softly and quietly, not really meaning to seem like he was sneaking up on Ray. "I'm so sorry Ray. I know how much he meant to you." Ray didn't move or say anything in response. He was being too quiet, which signaled alarms in Ben's mind knowing that when he kept things inside like this they had a way of being explosively let out somewhere down the line... usually aimed at him. He wanted to avoid the explosion and deal with deactivating the emotional timebomb which he heard being set. 

He quietly and soothingly spoke with his hand touching his lover's arm lightly. "Ray, please talk to me." Ray's eyes just scanned the distant skyline, never once looking back at the mountie. Ben came closer to place a comforting arm around his lover's waist and a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I'm here when you're ready to talk about it. Ok?" Ray shifted in his partial embrace, still not looking at Ben but off into the distance. He sadly whispered out. "That was supposed to be my flight." As if his now dead friend could hear, he spoke out loud. "Oh god, I'm sorry Red. I'm sorry I was late." 

Fraser felt a shiver travel through his body, not from cold, but from the feeling that the downed plane scene here could have been for Ray instead of Red. The thought scared him and it wasn't a new one to him. Ever since Ray had gotten his pilot's license he worried any time he'd hear of a plane flying through a storm or of a crash, immediately thinking of his lover, then immensely relieved when it wasn't Ray's. Today had been like that when he'd first heard the news and the call letters of the plane that went down. He recalled his heart stopping when he recognized the plane. He only noticed his heart starting to beat again when he'd desperately called the airport for additional information and had been told Ray hadn't been the one flying or a co- pilot on that flight. 

He prayed Red would forgive him for his next thoughts. *I'm glad it was Red and not Ray.* Ben knew Ray had a penchant for taking on guilt for things that weren't in his control and was now unfairly blaming himself for this. "Ray, don't do this to yourself. Don't blame yourself. Red was a good man and a capable pilot. He knew the risks each time he went up. Just like you do. This time the odds were against him." Ray wouldn't let it go. "Well if I hadn't been late, I would have taken the flight and probably have cleared that storm before..." His words choked in a throat that was tightening with deep felt emotions. "Red's probably cursing me out fierce. Can hear him now. 'What were you doing Ray? You let me down. You got your head in the clouds again, ya dumb yank?" Fraser was still amazed at how the two of them talked to each other, yet despite the words said, knew they had cared for and liked each other a great deal. 

Fraser stopped to think about the events of this morning, alarmed when he thought he might have been the cause of Ray being late. "You weren't late because of, you know, our unique way of eating breakfast?" Ray grinned to himself at the images that conjured up and shook his head vehemently. "Oh no Benny, even though breakfast lasted a little longer than usual, that wasn't ..." Ray had a far away look in his eyes as if he wanted to say something more, but just stopped in mid-sentence. Ben prompted him. "Well what was it then? Just out of curiosity." Ray shook himself out of his reverie, lying through a wistful smile, in order to cover up what he was truly thinking then. "Sorry Benny, I was just thinking about the honey and after dinner mint again. Man you really know how to distract me." Ben repeated his question. 

Ray turned to look at him and Ben could see there was something behind those eyes that Ray was afraid to share with him. They had a very open and honest relationship for the most part. There wasn't anything that Ben felt he couldn't tell Ray and he always thought Ray felt the same way. But it seemed to him that Ray wanted to hide something from him. "Ray, what's wrong?" Jumping to wild conclusions he rushed out with concern his next questions. "You're feeling well aren't you? You don't have a serious illness or anything do you? What don't you want to tell me? I'll try to understand... whatever it is." Ray's eyes shifted down to pay close attention to his shoes. Ben's hand went underneath his lover's chin and raised the head up again, turning the face to look him in the eyes... the eyes which were so expressive and couldn't lie to him. 

"You're not gonna like what I have to say Benny. Its gonna upset ya." Ben replied. "Not knowing is upsetting me more Ray. Just say it. I love you. We'll get through it... whatever it is. We've done it before." Ray reached inside his jacket and pulled out an envelope from his inner pocket. He handed it to Ben. "That's why I was late. I stopped at the trading post to pick up our mail and well... I got this. I made a few calls after that." Ben was afraid to look further at the envelope he'd been handed. It was postmarked Chicago, with no return address anywhere on the envelope. When he opened it only a picture fell out into his hand. It was a photograph of a new born baby. On the back of the picture was written: 

Samuel Raymond St Laurent  
February 12, 2002  
8 lbs 4 oz  


Ray anxiously watched his lover, trying to figure out what he was feeling; how he was going to react to this indiscretion of his. Ray knew how Ben felt about Louise, especially when it came to Ray's past with her. Ben associated alot of bad things with Louise and whenever she came back into his life, Ben had been hurt... first she was the reason Ray hadn't picked Ben up from the consulate the day he walked home and was raped; when Ray had had selective amnesia she hadn't told anyone Ray was with her, worrying Ben and Ray's family, who believed he was dead; she also had let Ray believe they were still lovers in his confused state, and Ben had seen them kiss, almost ruining their relationship... now this... she had bourne Ray's child which was a tie back to her once again. Now that Ray knew this fact, he wanted to be involved in some way with his child's life and he was afraid of what that could do to his and Ben's relationship. 

Ben just stared at the picture for a few moments incredulous. "Oh dear." was all he managed to say periodically. Then with a controlled emotionless voice, which Ray knew meant trouble, especially when he wouldn't even call Louise by name. "Well Ray this certainly is a doozy. Would you mind telling me just what you were doing 9 months ago? The math works out just right for when you were with that woman in Chicago. Is this your child?" Ray had his most sincere apologetic look on his face as he responded. "I think it is. I didn't tell ya about my making love to Louise, because... well... I didn't want to upset ya. See you're upset. I knew you'd be. At the time I honestly thought she and I were still lovers. I didn't remember us Benny. I'm sorry. I've never knowingly been unfaithful to you. I don't want anyone else but you. Please forgive me." 

Ben took in a deep breath and let it out. "I suppose this means that you want to go back to Chicago and meet your son now, right?" Ray was apprehensive about how he should answer. He knew with Ben the truth was always expected and through years of intimacy Ben was good at reading when Ray lied. "Well yes. But... Benny I had to call her. I'm sorry. I had to know. But when I called I found out she moved. No forwarding address. Then I called Welsh and well he said she had resigned before anyone knew she was even pregnant. Never came back. No one could or would tell me where she went. So all I've got is just this to go on... nothing else." 

Ben couldn't help but feel compassion for his lover who looked so miserable standing there waiting for him to respond. All in one day he was dealing with - the surprise at finding out that he had a son who he'd never see; a friend who had just died a tragic death he felt responsible for; and the fear he'd damaged, possibly beyond repair, his relationship to Ben. Realizing all this an understanding Ben couldn't help but gather his unhappy lover in his arms to comfort and reassure him. "I know you love me. I forgive you. Its going to be ok Ray." At the gentle embrace and words Ray held on to him tightly as he sobbed softly on his shoulder... 

******************************* 

The woman on the bench startled at the words coming from the man she didn't hear approach. Ray smiled and pointed to a young child. "That one must be Samuel right?" 

For a number of minutes, an undetected Ray had been watching her and also a group of children playing, from his vantage point a short distance away. He'd been amused and entertained watching an energetic happy healthy three year old playing with some other young children in a sandbox. Every now and again the littlest of the group, a dark haired boy, would excitedly run over to his mother with some toy or request or just to sit on her lap for a few fidgety moments and then run off again. He couldn't help but smile at the scene and how happy she looked as she called after their son to 'Slow down.' or 'Play nice Sammy.' 

It had taken him a little while before getting the nerve to approach Louise sitting on the bench. She appeared panicked and worried when she looked up at him. "Ray? Oh god it is you. What are you doing here? You didn't track me down to try and take Samuel away did you?" Ray was taken aback. "Oh Louise, no, no. Francesca's marrying my old shrink here in the park. I saw you sittin' here and I... I had to see him. He's beautiful Louise." He looked off towards the playground again grinning towards the distraction of his son laughing. "How are you both? Is there anything you need? Can I help?" Inwardly she heard herself say. *Yeah, Samuel needs a father and I need you. But we both know that's not gonna happen.* Instead she said. "No we're fine. We manage pretty well for ourselves. He runs circles around me, but he's a good boy. I love him very much. He's the best thing in my life." He gave her a smile. "I'm glad. Would you promise me somethin'?" She gave him an apprehensive look, the one he'd seen before reserved for 

clients she wasn't quite sure what their angle was. The sincere look he was giving her now though, made her own soften. "If he ever needs anything, please let me know." She just nodded her reply. "I've got to get to my sister's wedding before she sends my cousin Vinnie after me. Vinnie's 300 pounds and not someone to mess with. Take good care of yourselves. Good-bye Louise." 

She smiled bittersweetly as he left her. "Good-bye Ray." As he walked down the hill from the playground to the pathway below he could hear his son asking his mother. "Who that man mommy? He waiter? Can I have french fries?" She laughed at his delightful childish innocence. "No sweetie that wasn't a waiter. That was a friend of mommy's. Maybe I'll tell you about him some day." THE END OF EPILOGUE 1 

EPILOGUE 2: SNIPS AND SNAILS AND PUPPY DOG'S TAILS 

"Hey Benny. I now have proof. Take a look at this. My kid's a genius! Just like his old man. Ain't genetics grand?" Ray was positively bursting with pride and joy as he waved a piece of paper in front of his lover's face. Ben pretended not to notice, teasing Ray. "Why is it I always forget how unbearable you become when you get these letters?" Twice a year for the past 15 years Ray received a letter, once around christmas and the other near June. Each letter had a current picture of his son and a letter telling him a little bit about the child, who didn't know who his father was. All the letters were sent without a return address, postmarked in Chicago, through a large law firm he once discovered. Ray had given up trying to track them down, he was thrilled to get the letters at least. Ben continued to tease. "I'll have to time my extended patrols better, so I'm not around to hear you gloating and bragging, when you get the next one." 

Ray pretended to be hurt, playing along with the game his lover started. "Oh well, in that case I guess you don't want to see this then." He quickly folded up the paper he had in his hand and stuck it in his pocket. Ray started counting to himself in his head. *1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Come on Benny I know the curiosity is eatin' ya up, 9, 10.* Then he felt Ben's hands on him as his lover playfully wrestled him for the paper in his pocket. Finally Ben relented. "I give up Ray. You win. I've got to know why you think you're son... out of hundreds and thousands of other children I might add... is a genius." 

When Ray stopped squirming in his arms, Ben sensually moved his hand along his lover, enjoying the shudder of pleasure he was evoking from Ray, especially when he was allowed to slide his hand into Ray's pocket to retrieve the prized item. He kept his arms encasing his lover from behind as he unfolded the paper in front of them both. "Hmmm... Looks kind of ordinary to me." He taunted. "Wonder what all those alphabetic marks there mean. Hmmm. High honors. Could have done better than that." Ray just turned, pretending annoyance. "Oh shut up already and tell me how great my kid did. My head isn't swelled enough yet." Ben smiled lovingly at his friend and lover for the past 24 years. "He's a chip off the old block Ray. I'm proud of him too. Has he decided yet what he's going to do after high school?" Ray grimaced. "According to the letter this came with, its still law school. Blek! My son the lawyer. Why couldn't it be my son the astronaut or my son the nuerosurgeon? Hmmm. Although my son the judge has a very nice ring to it." 

Ben noticed that Ray was starting to get into serious mode. When that happened he had to pay close attention, because it usually meant Ray was worried about something he wanted to talk to Ben about, but was afraid to broach the subject. He decided he'd go on a fishing expedition to pry it out of him. "Ray you know I'm ok with going back to Chicago if that's what you're thinking." Ray gave him a half-hearted smile. "Naw that's not what's on my mind. Especially not after the trip two years ago, when we were forced to watch Frannie's kid sing in that 2 hour beauty pageant recital thing. I love my niece, but a singer she ain't." Ray shuddered at the memory, which made Ben laugh. "Oh come on Ray she wasn't that bad. Remember the girl that hula hooped while playing 'Yankee Doodle Dandy' on the kazoo? Now that was bad." They were both laughing as they reminisced about the last trip they took to visit Ray's family. They had actually enjoyed the visit, but had more fun joking about it. Ray grew serious again. "Benny, I need to tell you somethin'. Sam found out about me recently. I don't think Louise told him or knows he knows, because, well... I got this in the mail a week ago." He handed Ben another piece of paper. "I'm gonna go outside for a little while." He broke away from Ben's embrace and left the warmth of his lover and their cabin behind. 

He knew just where to find him, right where he always went to think things out. He was so predictable that way and he loved him for it. Pushing the door to the barn open he wasn't disappointed when he saw his lover where he pictured he'd be. He opened the passenger side of the green '71 Buick Riviera, which still looked good - Ray babied this car \- despite the fact it was no longer in running condition. Slipping into the all too familiar seat, he moved in close to Ray, who was playing with the steering wheel, but not really paying attention to it. "Ray there's an Inuit story I once heard..." Ray shook his head in disbelief, then placed it dejectedly on the steering wheel. "Oh god not another Inuit story. Twenty-four years.... And still he's tellin' me Inuit stories. I swear you make these up. I asked Eric about one of your stories once and he didn't have a clue what I was talkin' about. Boy did I feel foolish." Ben giggled. "Oh don't worry Eric knows this one. I told it to him last week..." Ray turned his head on the steering wheel to look over at his lover. Ben let him off the hook. "Ok, ok, I'll spare you this once. No Inuit story. Alright? But we are going to talk about Samuel's letter." 

Ray sighed. "You saw where he said he wants to come up here to meet me? I don't think I can Benny. I haven't been a part of his life. Why would he want to meet 'me'? I'm not the father he probably imagined or dreamed of. Far from it. I'll be a disappointment." Ben admonished him. "Ray you know I don't like it when you talk yourself down. Let me tell you what I see. I see a good man, who loves his son and wants what's right for him and for him to be happy. That to me is a dream father. That to me is you. You're a good father, sure you weren't allowed into his life, but he'll know right off when he meets you; what I've known for many years now... you're worth getting to know. Don't deny him this opportunity." Ray replied worriedly. "What about Louise? She doesn't want me in his life." Fraser gave him a no nonsense look. "Samuel's a big boy now. He's old enough to decide for himself who he wants to meet and have in his life. If that's a father, then so be it. Don't worry about what Louise thinks. Ok?" He placed a reassuring hand on top of the head that was still resting on the steering wheel. Ray gave him a half-smile. "Maybe I should have stuck with the Inuit story?" Then he grinned broadly. "Thanks Benny." Looking at 'his' Benny, who was to him so beautiful inside and out, it still amazed him how lucky he was to be with this man for so long. 

Longer than most people's marriages last they'd stayed together; even when they seemed to irritate or drive each other crazy; or they'd had their rough patches or fights; one thing always stayed firm and strong between them - their love, and because of it they would never tire of being there for each other. 

THE END OF EPILOGUE 2 

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